Archive - Nov 11, 2009

Hoodwinked

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Memo to Pat Robertson, Dave Gaubatz, Bryan Fischer, and Fred Halverson: YOU ARE SCARED.

Ever since Army psychiatrist Nidal Hasan went on his violent shooting rampage last week at Fort Hood, all we've been hearing from the usual suspects is "See? We told you those Muslims can't be trusted!". This is to be expected, because as we all know, any crazy white person who kills people, even if they're clearly motivated by a specific ideology, is 100% non-representative, while any brown person who does the same is 100% representative. That's how the mindset works.

But you know what I haven't heard after this massacre, that I've heard from wingnuts after every other massacre in the past decade? That if only a well-trained, armed American had been on the scene, they could have fought back and stopped the killer and saved everyone's lives. If any anecdotal evidence could put a canard like that to rest, you'd think the mass shooting of soldiers on a military base would. But it won't, and since idiots will therefore go on to say the damndest things, let's spend today rounding up some of the craziest shit that actually was said about the Fort Hood shootings in this week's installment of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"That is the ultimate aim. And they talk about infidels and all this, but the truth is that’s what the game is. So you are dealing with not a religion. You’re dealing with a political system. And I think we should treat it as such and treat its adherences as such as we would members of the Communist Party or members of some fascist group. Well, it’s a tragedy. Our hearts go out to the families who suffered. But those in the Army should be held on account for the fact they let this man loose." - Pat Robertson, taking a break from his one-ton leg lifts to include Hasan in the grand Islamic plan for world domination.

Pat, Pat, Pat. If the secret Muslim plan for global domination is to pretend to be a religion for 2,000 years so that their members can join the military of a superpower, in the hopes that a few of those members will grow disillusioned and crazy over the years and shoot a couple of dozen people? Then I'm not scared of their secret plan for global domination. Because it sucks. Also, how do we treat members of the Communist Party these days? Are there even any? Who are these fascist groups, and how do we treat their members? For a guy who claims a direct line to an omniscient being, Pat Robertson is woefully short on details.

"Now is the time for a professional and legal backlash against the Muslim community and their leaders. Muslims know what materials are being taught in their mosques and they know many of the materials instruct young Muslims to kill innocent people who do not adhere to Sharia law." - Dave Gaubatz, batzhit-crazy author of "Muslim Mafia", and the man responsible for the recent anti-Muslim "intern hunt" in the House.

OK, I'm going to give Gaubatz two gimmes, which is incredibly gracious of me, because Gaubatz is a fucking imbecile. But let's take as a given that an American soldier going nuts and killing other American soldiers is an act of terrorism. Furthermore, let's assume that Hasan carried out this terrorist attack as a direct result of a process of radicalization and a cold, calculated desire for jihad. Even then, he didn't kill the soldiers at Fort Hood because the soldiers weren't adhering to Sharia law. Twisted though the thought process may be, he went after American soldiers because American soldiers have been fighting wars in Muslim countries for eight straight years. Not because they let women go around uncovered. But Gaubatz has that mental disorder common amongst anti-Muslim bigots - the inability to go more than three sentences without using the word "Sharia".

"It it is time, I suggest, to stop the practice of allowing Muslims to serve in the U.S. military... Of course, most U.S. Muslims don't shoot up their fellow soldiers. Fine. As soon as Muslims give us a foolproof way to identify their jihadis from their moderates, we'll go back to allowing them to serve. You tell us who the ones are that we have to worry about, prove you're right, and Muslims can once again serve. Until that day comes, we simply cannot afford the risk. You invent a jihadi-detector that works every time it's used, and we'll welcome you back with open arms. This is not Islamophobia, it is Islamo-realism." Bryan Fischer, aka "Fischer Nuts", writing on Don Wildmon's AFA website.

Yeah, right, asshole. Like you'd put your trust in a "jihadi-detector" handed to you by Muslims. Also, it's bad form to use "realism" to describe any fantasy that relies on rounding up and discharging every Muslim in the U.S. military until a magic future-predicting box is invented. Also also, the rules of comedy really dictate that what you should be asking for is a "Bat-Jihadi-Detector". Also also also, you stupid fuck, why not just preemptively ban anyone and anything that might potentially lead to violent death? If your idea of freedom is freedom for you and to hell with anyone you don't like, then I hate you for your freedom too.

"Apparently Sack thinks the "Fort Hood Horror" will lead to fear and prejudice, with the implication that would be a bad thing. Actually, fear and prejudice should be exactly what the Fort Hood terrorist attack envisages; any other reaction is preposterous. We should fear the Islamic terrorists among us, and we should certainly be heavily prejudiced against both them and their enablers in our current government. A terrorist attack on an Army base, a typically wimpish response from the current occupant of the White House and political correctness within the Army itself ought to lead to fear and prejudice and anger." - Fred Halverson, writing to the Strib.

I'll say this for Fred Halverson. He may be stupid and wrong, but at least he's honest. He's scared, he's prejudiced, and he doesn't care who knows it. That he thinks the puddle of piss that resides on a semi-permanent basis around his ankles is justified is how we know he's wrong and stupid. I mean, for fuck's sake. According to Halverson, the Islamic terrorists are not only among us, but they're enabled by a wimpy President and a politically correct Army, and all they can manage is one shooting on the scale of Virginia Tech? That's what you're afraid of and prejudiced toward?

It's a good thing none of these assholes can actually assess risk worth a damn, because they'd be completely paralyzed by the thousands of things they encounter in their daily lives that are way more likely to kill them than a Muslim terrorist is. They'd be holed up in their little private paranoid worlds, typing out screeds against speeding cars and crumbling infrastructure and clogged arteries and hookers they refused to pay and drowning in the flood spraying from their fear-clenched bladders. And that's not moronophobia. That's moronorealism.