Archive - Nov 16, 2009

Knowing Becoming An Even Smaller Percentage Of The Battle

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Memo to Jasen Bruce: THANK YOU, NOW FUCK OFF.

After the Fort Hood shootings, we heard the predictable calls from the predictable sources for closer scrutiny of Muslims and Arabs. We also heard the typical complaint that political correctness is keeping us from identifying the terrorists in our midst. This is clearly bullshit, of course, and I would like to thank Jasen Bruce for inadvertently helping to prove it, just days after the Fort Hood tragedy.

This is bullshit because, as I've said many times before, there are millions of morons in this country who think everyone they see in a beard and robes is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and none of them are muzzled by "political correctness". Their actions over the past decade have resulted in zero terrorist identifications, zero terrorist apprehensions, zero terrorist convictions, and any number of individuals whose days have been ruined by racist jagoffs. Jasen Bruce helped reinforce this point by, of course, being a racist jagoff.

Bruce was just going about his business in Tampa, you see, when an Arab Muslim terrorist stopped and asked Bruce for directions. Bruce, with a patriotic shit-kicking gleam in his eye, did his duty to protect his nation. He whacked the Arab Muslim terrorist with a tire iron and chased him for three blocks while calling 911.

Of course, on closer inspection, the Arab Muslim terrorist turned out to be Greek Orthodox priest Alexios Marakis, which means that Jasen Brust isn't just a racist dumbfuck, he hit the racist dumbfuck trifecta. A priest, not a terrorist. A Greek Orthodox priest, not a Muslim. And a Greek, NOT AN ARAB.

Now this in and of itself would be more than enough to prove that Jasen Bruce was an ignorant lump of animated shit that walks the earth like a man. Well, you know the old saying? Better to remain quiet and be thought a paranoid fucktard than to open your mouth and prove that you're much, much worse? Yeah, neither has Jasen Bruce. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"[I] turn around and there's a man standing not two feet from me. I thought he was a homeless guy about to ask for directions, but not a few seconds went by, he reached out, grabbed my genitalia. He proceeded to say, 'I want to F you.' That was the only English he said."

Of all the awful excuses I've encountered in my years writing this column, this may well be my favorite. Bruce explains his paranoid xenophobia by telling us it was really GAY PANIC xenophobia, triggered by a scenario straight out of a Monty Python sketch. Somewhere, there's the author of a bogus Greek to English phrasebook that's laughing hysterically.

I love how the guy was clearly an Arab terrorist until someone explained, probably slowly and repeatedly, to Bruce that the guy was Greek, at which point he must have been a homosexual. After a sentence like that, is there any way Bruce could make himself seem even worse? And possibly implicate the police force of a Southern state while he's at it? You know he can.

"They let me search the car with them as they were joking around about the items they were finding. They were finding robes, religious-type material. Then there was a suitcase in the back, this is where the 'Allahu Akbar' thing came from. The police looked at me and said, I'm not opening this, looked at the other police officer and said I'm not opening this, and said let's call the bomb squad. Then I said, 'He said some Akbar-type stuff' and they started laughing, and one of the cops says, 'Do you know what that means?' I said, 'I know it's what they say before they blow you up.'"

By the way, all this was on, I shit you not the Bubba The Love Sponge radio show. Which means that when Jasen Bruce needs a lawyer, he instinctively seeks out someone as stupid as he is. Bubba The Love Sponge is who you talk to if you're Hulk Hogan, nobody's paid attention to you in months, and you're running low on orange skin dye. It is not where you go to provide a reasonable justification for your actions. So I guess it's a good thing Bruce didn't actually have one.

The police, by the way, deny that's what happened. Which they'd do even if it had. But I'm inclined to give the cops the benefit of the doubt. Since Bruce thinks we'll believe that the half-naked photos of him on the Internet are just "fitness" photos taken without his permission, then he clearly thinks we'll believe anything. Fortunately, few of us - possibly none of us - are as stupid as Jasen Bruce, and therefore we're all pretty sure that when you pose in a half-length T-shirt, no underwear, and your hands covering your Little Skinhead, it's not to inspire us to exercise.

Well, OK. It's to inspire 10% of us to exercise a little bit for a few minutes, but that doesn't make it a "fitness" photo, just like four reps to the head of a Greek priest with a tire iron is neither a workout nor a stirring defense against terrorism.