Archive - Nov 24, 2009

With Mouths Wide Open

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Memo to Scott Stapp: HA HA HA... WAIT, THAT WASN'T ON PURPOSE.

Any even remotely topical comedian has a love-hate relationship with Scott Stapp. As the lead singer of Creed, Stapp was responsible for some of the most ridiculous, self-important pop-rock of the late 90s and early 00s. Frequently shirtless, sporting long hair and lyrics even Twilight fans would find simplistic and trite, Creed managed to straddle the vast gulf separating Christian rock from semi-legitimate mainstream music.

It was, of course, eminently pointable and eminently laughable. And in one instance, utterly terrifying, as I found myself in a public venue where "With Arms Wide Open" was playing over loudspeakers. And everywhere around me were people who not only knew all the words, but were loudly singing along. It was like Rowdy Roddy Piper had just given me a pair of sunglasses.

Well, Creed is back together, with a new album, Full Circle*, which should be hilarious. But that's not why I'm making fun of Scott Stapp today. No, I'm making fun of him because he's given an interview to Spin magazine to help promote the new album, and the interview discusses the Scott Stapp/Kid Rock sex tape.

Now, if you've never heard of this tape before, I understand you maybe throwing up in your mouth a little, but don't worry. The Scott Stapp / Kid Rock sex tape doesn't have Stapp and Rock having sex with each other. It's just the two of them getting blowjobs from strippers and/or groupies, and was filmed in 1999. back when both Scott Stapp and Kid Rock could get blowjobs from strippers and/or groupies.

Oh, and Scott Stapp wants to make sure one thing is perfectly clear about this sex tape. It's not a sex tape. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks."

See, people? This is what abstinence-only sex ed gives you. A blowjob from a stripper and/or groupie isn't "sex", therefore a videotape of said act cannot possibly be a "sex tape". You know what else abstinence-only sex ed gives you? A moron like Scott Stapp who, with the complete lack of self-awareness that exemplifies his entire life, referring to how much his blowjob tape being called a sex tape "sucks". He's like the idiot savant of double entendre. We should stop saying "that's what SHE said" and change it to "that's what CREED said". But wait, there's more!

"What sucks about that is Bob -- Kid Rock -- and I were friends. He'd been over to my house and we jammed and hung out. We were in Tampa playing with Metallica, and I walked into his trailer and there were some strippers."

It sucks because you and Bob jammed and hung out? Also, nice use of passive voice there, Scott. "There were some strippers." The strippers existed, dicks were sucked, video was shot by somebody. How this all happened, no one can say. Stapp's the victim here!

"It's a time in his life and a time in my life that we'd like to put behind us and not publicize because we have children now, and they're in school, and their friends read. I know he was pretty pissed off at me when that came out."

They both have kids now. Another victory for abstinence-only sex ed!

"We haven't sat down face-to-face. I did apologize to him that I didn't just burn that thing. I thought that was a skeleton in the closet that would never find the light of day.

OK, first, let me get all the snickering out of the way. "Sat down face-to-face". Snicker. "In the closet." Guffaw.

Beyond the obvious fuck-comedy, this answer raises some interesting questions. If Kid Rock was pissed at Scott Stapp for letting the tape get out, and not burning it, that means that Scott Stapp had possession of the tape. Which means either Stapp set up his own camera, OR he asked whoever's camera it was for the tape afterward. I hope that it was Kid Rock's camera, because that means we have a winner for Most Awkward Conversation Ever. "Um, Bob? You need that tape? Could I take that off your hands? What? Oh, no reason."

I will, in the spirit of Vaguely Christian Jesusness that Creed represents, forgive Scott Stapp for thinking the tape would never get out. I mean, he's an idiot, and all idiots think their sex tapes are not going to get out. Plus, Stapp actually had logic on his side. I mean, who would want to either sell OR buy a tape whose main selling point is grainy footage of Scott Stapp and Kid Rock getting sucked off? If Kid Rock didn't even want to watch it, why would the general public?

Thank you, Scott Stapp, for providing society with what is clearly the second funniest blowjob of the 90s.

*The "Jerk" is both silent and obvious.