Archive - Nov 3, 2009

Corning Where?

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Memo to Roland Corning: NO MORE VIAGRA FOR YOU.

There's been a lot of arguing over whether government health care should cover abortion. I can see that. I mean, it's a controversial issue, and the people who are against it are idiots, ergo there's an argument. Yet strangely, there's been no discussion over whether government health care should cover Viagra. This is also a contentious issue, and so I suggest a compromise: it's covered, but not for Republicans.

In fact, I'd go one step further, and actually make it illegal for Republicans to buy or possess Viagra. It sounds harsh, but they simply cannot be trusted with it. I mean, when was the first time you heard a Republican associated with Viagra? Bob Dole. And none of us, Elizabeth Dole included, enjoyed the mental image conjured up by the conflation of Bob Dole, Viagra, and wood.

Eleven years of sex scandals later, many of them aided and abetted by Pfizer, and it's clear that moralistic Republicans and boner pills just don't mix. Case in point, Roland Corning, deputy Attorney General for the wild, swinging, free-love capital of the nation - South Carolina.

So, what was Corning doing that he would not have been able to do without the help of his little blue pill? Banging an 18 year old stripper. In his car. In a cemetery that's apparently famous in Columbia as being a great place to go and fuck people in your car. Which just goes to show you that South Carolina is seriously fucked up about sex. "One foot in the grave" is not a sexual position, dammit.

Anyway, the cops were cruising the cemetery for illicit humpitude, found Corning's little May-December party, which included the stripper, the Viagra, and several sex toys. Items Corning told the officer he always kept in his car, "just in case". You know how it is. It's dark, your car breaks down, so you pull the Fleshlight out of your glove compartment and get to work. And really, why keep a lug wrench AND a dildo? That just takes up valuable space you can use for more emergency sex toys.

But the best part? The awesome part. Corning tried to pull the "do you know who I am" card with the officer, telling him he was employed in the Attorney General's office. At which point Corning got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that he wasn't going to be ticketed by the police for his indiscretion. The bad news is that to confirm Corning's story, the arresting officer called home. His wife, you see, works in the Attorney General's office, something she had in common with Roland Corning until the following Monday, when Corning's randy-old-man ass was unemployed.

If I had one wish in this world, it would be for Roland Corning to have made a public statement about his misadventures to the press. But since I don't have that, I'll settle for my second wish - that the COBRA payments required to keep Corning supplied with his doctor-approved, medically-necessary penis meds is very, very expensive. And that a propensity to bang strippers counts as a pre-existing condition.