Archive - Nov 6, 2009

26.5 Miles Of Dumb

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Memo to Darren Rovell: YOU ARE WHY AMERICA SUCKS.

I cannot stand jingoism. I mean, I like America. I live in America. But I have no emotional investment in the superiority of America. My dick doesn't shrink every time I note one of my country's flaws. And it's a good thing, because after nearly six years of writing this column, I'd have a vagina three miles high by now, and I'd live in constant fear of it being hit by a plane.

This is especially true in sports. Because I also don't have any emotional investment in sports. So every couple of years, I see everyone around me getting all into the idea that America should be better at sports than the rest of the world, and I just want to start slapping people, and never stop until the Olympic Torch is extinguished.

Sports jingoism is the most pointless of all jingoism, and it's even more pointless now, when none of our enemies are our sports rivals. The closest we have is China, and that's only in a couple of sports, and they're not really our enemy. I mean, when we were feuding with Russia in the 80s, at least we had megaton death pointed at each other, and Russia wasn't building all our stuff for us.

All of this is to say that Darren Rovell is a fucking moron, by the way. You see, Rovell is a sports columnist, which is the opposite of a pundit, because the job of a pundit is to render important things trivial. Rovell is a sports columnist for CNBC, which is kinda like being the military analyst for G4. You can sorta see why they might want one, but do they really need one? No, they do not.

So Rovell was covering the New York Marathon, and apparently got into Jim Cramer's stash, because he decided to piss on the media frenzy surrounding the first American to win the New York Marathon in nearly three decades... but not in a good way. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Given our disappointing results, embracing Keflezighi is understandable. But Keflezighi's country of origin is Eritrea, a small country in Africa. He is an American citizen thanks to taking a test and living in our country. Nothing against Keflezighi, but he's like a ringer who you hire to work a couple hours at your office so that you can win the executive softball league.

In Rovell's defense, he followed the outcry about his ridiculous column with a followup, "What I Got Wrong About Keflezighi". In my defense, very little in that second column covered what Rovell got wrong about Keflezighi. For example, the sentences above represent something against Keflezighi, even though Rovell claims they're nothing against Keflezighi.

Rovell seems to think that the problem is that he called the runner a "ringer" and his win "empty" because he came here from a foreign country near other countries where lanky black men run really fast and far, and it turned out Keflezighi came to America before he started his running training. But the fact is, Rovell would have been wrong if Keflezighi had stepped off the plane on Monday, passed his citizenship test on Tuesday, and won the marathon on Wednesday.

Because first and foremost, who gives a shit if Americans don't win marathons? We didn't invent marathons. We didn't invent running. Hell, rednecks celebrate the fact that these colors DON'T run. Most of American technological progress has centered around eliminating any running we might have to do. Why can't we let Africa dominate in marathons, and take some small comfort in the fact that our continent is currently 100% genocide-free?

And second, you know what happens when you move here and take the test? You become an American. They can do everything except be president, and anything they do is done by an American. I tell you what. Let's build us a time machine, and after I've borrowed it for five minutes to kill Sherwood Schwartz before he becomes a threat to humanity, we can give it to Rovell. And he can use it to go back in time to 1980, and he can write a column telling us not to be so happy about the "Miracle On Ice" because none of our hockey players were Navajo.

It's just fucking idiotic. I mean, it's bad enough that Rovell can't get his red, white, and blue dick hard unless the USA dominates sports - now he has to be the founding member of the Sports Birther Brigade, demanding to see an athlete's proof of natural-born citizenry before he'll cheer him on? Or, if he's feeling gracious, admit that a few dozen years of residency are enough to make athletes close enough to real Americans that he will begrudgingly allow them the courtesy of his pleasure?

Darren Rovell is what's wrong with America, and one of the reasons I'll never succumb to the off-key siren song of the jingoists.