Archive - Nov 2009

November 25th

Pre-Emptive Leftovers

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Memo to Jon Voight, Dick Armey, Bo Dietl, and Rick Perry: YOU ARE DUMB.

Fuck it. If Dubya can apply the preemptive strike doctrine to wars, I can apply it to leftovers. So consider this assortment of leftover quotes a preemptive strike on Thanksgiving (there will be a column tomorrow, by the way, although tradition dictates that since none of you will be pretending to work in cubes, then none of you will be reading it), or you can just consider it another weekly installment of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"His only success in his one-year term as president is taking America apart, piece by piece. Could it be he has had 20 years of subconscious programming by Rev. Wright to damn America?" - Jon Voight, from Michele Bachmann's crazy-ass failure of a health-care rally a few weeks back.

Short answer: no. Seriously, this is the kind of fucked up logic that people like Jon Voight use the way I use oxygen. Obama's pastor said "God damn America" once, therefore, Rev. Wright specifically wanted God to damn the entire nation of America, regardless of the surrounding context. Obama went to Wright's church, and therefore subconsciously wants to damn America, and in just one year, he's succeeded in dismantling it per his Manchurian orders. The fact that none of this has actually happened is irrelevant. The fact that if it HAD happened, the value of going to a Bachmann rally to stop it from happening more or again with health care would be nonexistent is also irrelevant. All that matters is OBAMA BAD. And that Jon Voight is a moron.

"But now, they come along and they say, irrespective of the fact they’ve gone 20, 30, 40 years of their adult life without ever having bought insurance prior to getting a liver inflammation due to their excessive drinking habits or diabetes because they eat like a pig, you must now insure them. But at what point do we allow the government to order people that you must sell your product to this person or that person, irrespective of any good judgment? We saw what happened in housing when they ordered banks to make loans to people who weren’t qualified. Are we now going to have the same destructive influences in health care because we’re going to order doctors to provide services and so forth?" - Dick "Dick Army" Armey, commanding an army's worth of dickishness on CNN.

Let's ignore the fact that Dick Armey's version of "pre-existing conditions", in which insurance companies are merely protecting themselves from massive losses due to lazy drunkards buying $100/month policies to pay for their billion dollar liver transplants, is complete and utter bullshit. I mean, it is, but let's pretend it isn't. First, what happens to these lazy drunkards? They get treatment while uninsured, they get a huge bill, they declare bankruptcy (how much money do lazy drunkards have lying around, anyway?) and we all pay for the treatment anyway, we just do it haphazardly after the fact instead of in advance in a controlled situation.

All opposition to health care reform, from Ben Nelson to Dick Armey, is about letting insurance companies make obscene profits by fucking sick people. Anyone who says otherwise is a stinking liar. The kind of person who would blame the housing crisis on lazy poor people, then use that misplaced blame to imply that those same lazy poor people will ruin health care for the rest of us. Dick.

"She looks like a Halloween cartoon. She’s got her eyes pulled so far, she’s starting to look Chinese herself. Enough with these face lifts, alright Kate. And enough with the young guys Katie. You’re over the top baby. You’re over fifty. Start going out with guys your own age. This cougar stuff don’t work. Ten years ago, she looked American. Today she is an oriental. - The always charming Bo Dietl, making Don Imus look racially sensitive on Fox Business while discussing Katie Couric.

Just to reiterate a point - until we stop putting crazy people who say stupid shit on the teevee to tell us what they think, we're not going to pull out of our collective death spiral. Unless your talk show is specifically discussing the best way to be a racist corpsefucker with a fifth grade reading level and an ugly-ass comb-over, you should not be checking in with Bo Dietl on anything, ever. That's just common sense.

"[T]his is an administration hell-bent toward taking American towards a socialist country. And we all don’t need to be afraid to say that because that’s what it is. If you all think those tea parties didn’t work, then let me tell you something. When they all came home in August for those town hall meetings, they got an earful. Then they went back to Washington, D.C. and the Senate voted that public option down in committee with a majority of Democrats in the Senate.” - Texas governor and moderate secessionista Rick Perry, teabagging a Republican women's group.

Speaking of pulling out of our death spiral, you know what else would help with that? Reattaching some good old-fashioned shame and consequences to spreading yourself all over the spectrum from moderate to wingnut. Our own Governor Timmeh is doing the same thing, flirting with tea partiers and Tenthers one day, then acting like the voice of reason the next day. Well, the voice of moderate Republican reason, which is only reason by comparison to young-earth Creationists who are convinced that Obama is the reincarnated Mao Zedong, come to dismantle America thanks to the communist programming of his black liberation theologian pastor.

That magical fantasy land, by the way, is where Rick Perry is taking a vacation to in the quote above. And he gets bonus points for claiming a Tea Party victory over the public option because it wasn't in the Senate Finance Committee version of the bill. Now, I'm not saying the public option that passed the House, and the public option that is currently in the Senate bill are the best things ever. Nor is their passage a sure thing, thanks to Lieberman, Landrieu, Nelson, etc. But the fact remains, the public option passed the House, the public option made it into the Senate bill, and the Tea Parties were, in every sense of the words, complete and utter failures.

Now, Rick Perry is perfectly welcome to lie about the teabaggers if he wants the teabaggers to vote for him. But that makes him a teabagger. No walk-backs, no changes. Rick Perry is running on the Teabag Secessionist ticket for Texas governor, and the people of Texas should follow their hearts and vote accordingly. I mean, yeah, he'll still be re-elected, but at least it'll be honest.