Archive - Nov 2009

November 20th

Rev. Moon Is A Harsh Mistress

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Memo to the Washington Times: I WILL ENJOY WATCHING YOU BURN.

Ah, the Washington Times. For decades, the Times has been Fox News for people who could read. Owned by Rev. Moon's Unification Church, the Times is a key entry point for legitimizing right-wing crazy. Once it's been reported in the Times, more legitimate news organizations can report that it's been reported in the Times, and then it's "out there". And we know that once it's "out there", the national media are compelled to talk about it, no matter how out there it may be.

Well, the right may be looking for a new venue for their bullshit-laundering soon. The Times has fallen on hard... times in the past couple of weeks, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of cult-funded assholes. There was a major organizational shakeup, leading to the ouster of key executives and editor John Solomon*. They've been sued for religious discrimination by the editor of their editorial page, in regards to forced employee participation in Unification Church activities. And, like any newspaper, nobody's reading them and they don't have any money.

But do not weep for the loss of the Times. I'm sure their ecological niche will be filled. After all, before the Times came along, the preferred media for the bulk of their content was feces-smeared asylum walls. Case in point, a column by their editor imarightass** Wesley Pruden. Pruden was set off, like so many clinically insane people were, by Obama bowing to the Japanese emperor during his pan-Asian tour.

Unlike many, I'm not going to draw comparisons to Dubya holding hands to the Saudis. I'm simply going to say this. If, at any point, you spend even five seconds complaining about Obama bowing to anyone, anywhere, at any time, you are a fucking moron and should forfeit your right to have people listen to you. Period. This will never happen, of course, because 90% of cable news shows would then be anchored by drifting tumbleweeds and Chirping J. Cricket. But the principle is still sound.

After six long-winded paragraphs of the usual swamp gas and effluvia about how Americans don't bow to no goddamn furriners, Pruden then goes on to explain why the bow wasn't really Obama's fault, in one paragraph that sums up the national mood, the true mission of the Moonie times, and the true motives of the Wingnut Revolutionaries. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"But Mr. Obama, unlike his predecessors, likely knows no better, and many of those around him, true children of the grungy '60s, are contemptuous of custom. Cutting America down to size is what attracts them to hope' for 'change.' It's no fault of the president that he has no natural instinct or blood impulse for what the America of 'the 57 states' is about. He was sired by a Kenyan father, born to a mother attracted to men of the Third World and reared by grandparents in Hawaii, a paradise far from the American mainstream."

I'm not even going to bother deconstructing this, because it's one pith helmet away from being 19th century imperialist bullshit. I mean, "blood impulse"? What next? Obama's socialized health care is going to purge us all of our needed bodily humors? Cap-and-trade on phlogiston? The horrific expense occurred when, for "date night", Obama commandeered a zeppelin and flew his wife to New Amsterdam?

As the Washington Times burns like the flaming crosses in Wes Pruden's mind's eye, it behooves all of us to look somberly upon the wreckage of an American institution, then make some S'Mores and have a fucking party.

*Who is not the source of the phrase "The Wisdom Of Solomon", by any stretch of the imagination.

**Some etymologists insist this word is spelled "emeritus", but I've heard it both ways.