Archive - Nov 2009

November 17th

Sanctimoronius

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Memo to Carrie Prejean: THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!

I hope the rest of you are enjoying the slow-motion train wreck that is Carrie Prejean as much as I am. If you somehow slept through the past six months, Prejean (French for "from a time before pants") is the Miss USA pageant contestant who claims she lost the title because of her passionate defense of heterosexual marriage, which she called "opposite marriage".

Since then, Prejean has attempted to race into the arms of the Jesus-Freak right, in the hopes that they will hold her close before her past catches up to her - a past which included a free boob job from the pageant, topless modeling photos surfacing from her misspent youth, her forfeiture of her state pageant crown, and a messy lawsuit that somehow managed to get settled out of court the same day I finally got around to mocking it.

You would think that would put all the trouble behind her, and more importantly, end our schadenfun. But no! From out of the west come the thundering off-beats of the mighty downfall, Sex Tape! HI HO SEX TAPE, AWAY!

Yes, it turns out that Prejean, like many other women of the video generation, decided to titillate her boyfriend by getting naked in front of the camera and glazin' the raisin, if you will. Of course she thought nobody would ever find out she did this, even though every sex tape made by every celebrity ever has in fact gotten out.

Normally I would feel bad making fun of this, because I don't actually disapprove of what she did. She could make sex tapes all she wanted, release them on the Internet, promote them on Bubba The Love Sponge right after Jasen the Priest-Whacker for all I care. She just can't do it while at the same time she's pursuing a career as a sanctimonious, holier-than-thou half-wit.

You know how stupid Carrie Prejean is? She buckled under questioning from LARRY KING. The last person to do that was eight years old. She went on Larry King, he asked her why she settled out of court, she refused to answer, called him "inappropriate" so many times it became obvious that she'd learned the word phonetically, took off her microphone, and sat there. All because Larry King attempted a bit of weak logical jujitsu on everyone's favorite masturbating moral crusader.

You know why she was on Larry King? Because she has a book out. And you know what that means? First, another one of the seven seals just opened. And two, Sarah Palin's gay-bashing ghostwriter probably has a new kitchen. The book is called "Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks", which would be the least true book title in the history of the universe if not for a purely literal definition of "Still Standing".

I mean, untold story? What could possibly be left to tell? She's been talking so much since she became famous she's exhausted her vocabulary 70 times over. Second, her fight against gossip has been going very, very badly, since every bit of gossip about her has turned out to be true. Third, her fight against hate has been going even worse, since all she's done since the pageant is send hate care packages full of cookies, foot-warmers, and homemade pornography. And while she certainly can claim to having fought against political attacks, the fact remains that Political Attacks is scratching idly behind its ear, wondering who the fuck Carrie Prejean is.

Oh, and she got Sean Hannity to write an introduction to her book, presumably because she wanted to find someone who was an even more prolific wanker than herself, and Bill O'Reilly kept inviting her out for Middle Eastern food.

And the best part? Since Prejean is clearly incapable of learning that every single one of her problems is directly attributable to her forcing herself into the spotlight as some kind of paragon of Christian heartland values, she'll keep doing it. And it's never going to stop being funny when it blows up in her face, if you'll pardon the expression.