Archive - Jan 2009

January 14th

Katherine The Mediocre

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Memo to Katherine Kersten: SEE YA, WOULDNT WANNA BE YA.

Monday marked a milestone for both local wingnuttery and You Are Dumb Dot Net. Katherine Kersten, conservative columnist, wrote her farewell column in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. We won't have Kersten to kick around anymore... during those rare occasions where there weren't any interesting people to kick around.

Her final column is a bland whitewashing of her record, talking about all the special people she profiled and all the wonderful principles she gently defended. Since that's not what we remember her for, let's take this time to remember some of Kersten's greatest ACTUAL QUOTE TIMES!

"The fact is, once you adopt same-sex marriage -- legally changing the standard for marriage from one-man, one-woman to a 'committed relationship' -- there is no principled way to prevent its extension to polygamy or other forms of 'plural marriage' or partnership." - Snake Hatin' Friday, March 2006.

"Our kids can easily get their hands on 'Manhunt,' or other M-rated games such as 'Resident Evil: 4', 'God of War' or "Postal 2: Apocalypse Weekend.' Games such as these invite kids to set people on fire, urinate on them or disembowel them. Young players can rack up points for raping women." - Colon Blow, August 2006.

"I’m not an IRS lawyer, and don’t know how to split that hair. I do know that if anyone but a conservative Christian had made such an appearance, we wouldn’t be hearing this volume of noise." - Burnt Bach 'N' Mac, October 2006.

""Isn't that a good foundation for a cease-fire in the Christmas wars?"" - Christmas Leftovers, December 2006.

"But the real bull in the imams' china shop is right here in Minnesota. Like some legal equivalent of Hulk Hogan, Gerry Nolting of Minneapolis law firm Faegre & Benson, came storming out of his corner last week." - Out Like A Monkey, March 2007.

"It's hard to imagine the college researching and paying for special modifications to the college to facilitate Christian rituals. And the 'safety' justification? Imagine if a particularly strict group of Christian students found it necessary to sometimes baptize others in the restroom sinks. Would the school build them a baptism basin because a student hit his head on a sink?" - Blame-Shifting: Our National Pastime, May 2008.

"Contemporary Americans are not immune from sadistic impulses. The renegade U.S. soldiers who humiliated and maltreated prisoners at Abu Ghraib were reportedly imitating the pornified culture from which they came. Games like GTA IV stimulate and glamorize our dark impulses. They create a taste for the psychological thrill that can come from dominating and degrading others. They encourage us to strip our fellow human beings of their dignity, and view them merely as objects of violence or sexual desire." - Out Like A Monkey, March 2007.

"The district passed off the class it was foisting on 11- and 12-year-olds as 'Human Growth and Development.' As a result, neither parents nor self-conscious pre-adolescents suspected that teachers would show a 'picture of a developing girl' to a room of boys and girls sitting side by side." - Can't Be Reasonable Without Reason, June 2008.

"Barack Obama, the Democratic presidential nominee-to-be, has called for an end to the Iraq war and otherwise adopted a leftist's dream agenda." - Sleeping Dragons And Lies, July 2008.

"In the end, however, we will always struggle with self-absorption, since that is the human condition. Our families will always fall short of the ideal, and will sometimes crumble. Yet we still have reason to hope that a good God will lift our broken hearts and offer us peace that 'passes all understanding.'" - Kersten's final words as a Strib columnist.

I can think of no more fitting epitaph for Kersten, whose two main qualities are a boundless well of stupidity and a placid ocean of dullness, than her longing for a "peace that passes all understanding". That's the state everyone who read your columns were left in, Kersten, and no, that's not a good thing, even if it's (presumably) in the Bible. I believe your ass has an urgent appointment with a door on your way out.