Archive - Jan 2009

January 26th

Templeton Peckerhead

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When last we left Dirk Benedict, he was ranting on Big Hollywood, turning his limited and freakish experience in Hollywood during the late seventies and early eighties into an inept argument that the world has gone mad with feminism and liberalism, abandoning crucial values like male cigar-smoking and female breeding, oh, and he also fucked up Han Solo's name, which still cracks me up.

Benedict's hit-job on reason and sense was no drive-by shooting, though. He has staked his Big Hollywood claim, and he is going to make the best of it. He is a big fucking insane fish in a small fucking insane pond, and that's a pretty good place to be if, like Dirk Benedict, you're fucking insane. Which brings us to Benedict's second column, which flows from his experience as "Faceman" on The A-Team. I'm not sure what dregs of his career he'll have to scrape for his third post, but I know this - I cannot wait to find out.

For now, though, we're left with "And It's All Mickey Mouse's Fault", which is batshit insane right off the bat. The only things Dirk Benedict should be able to blame Mickey Mouse for are having a much longer career and being a much better actor. But that's not Benedict's beef. He starts out retelling a story about how a fan at what I can only imagine was the worst convention ever expressed shock and horror at how Benedict no longer looks like he once did. Which is a surprisingly valid point about the fickleness of memory and the dangers of image-obsession.

So it's a good thing for my sake that it's instantly and hilariously undercut by Benedict's site photo, which somehow bears a STARTLING resemblance to the Benedict of yore. But this is all prelude. Benedict is about to grab the steering wheel of the A-Team van of sanity from the metaphorical hands of the metaphorical ghost of George Peppard, and send it careening off a metaphorical cliff. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Surgical rejuvenation is violence committed against ourselves as some misguided but socially acceptable, socially required notion of it as an expression of individuality. And control. Perceived as a means of empowering the individual, it is precisely the opposite. An admission of powerlessness and fear. Plastic surgery is a member of the same family as acts of suicide. The surgeon’s knife, as it alters our face or changes our sex or tucks our tummy, is different only as a matter of degree from the suicide bullet or slashed wrists whose goal it is to alter completely our state of being."

I think I speak for all of us, Dirk, when I say, "Wait, WHAT?" Here we have the mark of the truly fucking insane. I don't agree with Benedict's rampant misogyny, so you might think my calling him a nutjob is just the exaggerated ad hominem that is my stock in trade. But I think cosmetic surgery is one of the more evil industries we've developed as a species. I think it's an under-regulated and woefully misused tool. But "socially required"? Not for a lot of society. The same as suicide? Um, no.

And holy shit, gender reassignment? I mean, yeah, we saw last time that Benedict had a problem when his fictional character got revamped with a vagina in Battlestar Galactica, but by comparing gender reassignment surgery to a nose job, Benedict seriously makes me wonder if he even makes an exception for reconstructive surgery, or if he's some kind of appearance-only Christian Scientist. The dude is seriously putting both the bug and the fuck back into bugfuck. But wait, there's more! I still haven't shown you how he ties in Mickey!

"Both are acts of terrorism committed against one’s self as an expression of one’s individuality. Suicide is the last desperate cry of the individual as he struggles to control his fate. It is the ultimate (final) face lift and full body tuck, taken in anger and borne out of fear that there is a Higher Power to which he or she will finally and forever have to answer. Fear, in other words, that it is not God, but Mickey Mouse who is dead, who has always been dead. Not in image, but in spirit. Spirit-less. A poseur. Not even a real rodent (they too are mortal) but the mere image of one, mass marketed by the same propagandists and sellers of false dreams that sold us our own image of ourselves. And if Mickey, our hero, our God, our star of stars, is dead … then what chance have we?"

So actors and actresses cut things off and inject silicone into other things out of a desperate fear that Mickey Mouse, who they worship, might actually be spiritually dead inside? Am I untangling this Gordian knot of half-assed illogic correctly? I assumed it was because in Hollywood, they only hire ugly people for character roles and appearances at crappy conventions, but I admit I don't have the deep insight into Hollywood culture that a Dirk Benedict can provide.

I'm pretty sure, by the way, that his ultimate message is that fame and celebrity mean nothing, and that the only true meaning is in Jesus. Which is something a lot of people on Big Hollywood say. And while it's a noble sentiment (except for all the Jesus stuff, of course), I can't help but notice it's made by a bunch of people who don't have fame or celebrity anymore on a site devoted to making sure the doors of fame and celebrity are kicked open to let all the Jesus-loving conservatives in. Just another fun, retarded, mixed message from Big "We'll Kick Your Ass As Soon As You Stop Oppressing Us" Hollywood.