Archive - Feb 3, 2009

Oh Sweet Culture Of Life, At Last I've Found You

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Memo to Nadya Suleman's enablers: YOU ARE DUMB.

Nadya Suleman is dumb too, but I cut her a bit of slack because she is clearly fucking crazy. If you don't know, Nadya Suleman is the California woman who just gave birth to octuplets. I'm not saying she's fucking crazy in the "That many kids? She must be fucking KA-RAAAAZY" sense. I mean she's actually mentally ill. And it's no coincidence that a mentally ill woman is the new poster child for the culture of life.

Suleman was, in the words of her mother, obsessed with having children. Now, some couples really want children. They want them so much they have an unreasonable number of them*, and raise them and show you pictures of them and leave you hanging at work because one or more of their collective orifices are infected. This is irritating, but it's not obsession, and it falls within societal norms.

Sane people love their children. Crazy people love the IDEA of children. Crazy people take the very concept of children and build their entire existence around them. The actual children are less important, in the grand scheme of things, than the idea, the concept, the abstract. Some people channel this insanity into politics, and that's where we get your Operation Rescues, your Popes, and your other embryo fetishists.

I don't have any specific evidence that Nadya Suleman listened to, or was politically aligned with, the embryo fetishist movement. But she is the product of it. Before she gave birth to the octuplets, Suleman already had six children. Do the math. Six kids, ages two through seven, by age 33. But it gets better. All FOURTEEN of her children were conceived through in vitro fertilization.

I don't know how that works. Nobody knows how that works. Why? Because it's fucking insane, that's why. She's not rich. She's single, she lives with her mother, and she had six in vitro babies in five years. I hope someone's going around at Kaiser Permanente and asking them what the fuck they were thinking, because I, for one, am dying to know. And that's not even the worst of it. To borrow a phrase from Suleman's OB-GYN, "but wait, there's more!"

The reason I'm utterly convinced that the right-wing "culture of life" is responsible for this latest tragic freakshow is the following sequence from an Associated Press story. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"There were frozen embryos left over after her previous pregnancies and her daughter didn't want them destroyed, so she decided to have more children. Her mother and doctors have said the woman was told she had the option to abort some of the embryos and, later, the fetuses. She refused."

And there you have it. Frozen embryos. Or, in the oft-used parlance of the blastula-humpers, "snowflake children". An unspecified number of "snowflake children", implanted in the womb of a woman who I guarantee you had been convinced that each one had a soul straight from God himself. Who now has fourteen children, and whose only hope of providing those fourteen children with something resembling a livelihood is her newfound freak-show status.

And do you think Operation Fucking Rescue will take time out from their plastic fetus patrol outside Planned Parenthood to change one of the Suleman Eight? Hah. Do you think that Sam Brownback, he of the infamous "snowflake children" crayon drawing, will reconsider his stance that military spending is a better use of stimulus money than helping out poor single multiple moms? Or putting money into the mental health care system? I have at least eight implanted snowflake doubts.

I know it's an old canard that pro-lifers only care about the baby before it's born, but in the case of Nadya Suleman, they bear special, extra responsibility. This is a woman who followed their ravings to the letter. She is their quiverfull queen, their Fertile Myrtle, their uterine heroine of uterine heroin, who rejected the very notions of abortion, stem cell research, medical incinerators, and her OWN GODDAMNED INFERTILITY to produce fourteen lives and, not coincidentally, place those fourteen lives in a situation where every single one of them will be miserable.

The next time one of these fuckers tries to lecture you about "abortion on demand", ask them why they're not in California lending Nadya Suleman a hand. Then, while they're distracted, you can shove their plastic fetus right up their ass and tell them they can't shit it out until it's viable.

*Your definition of "unreasonable" may differ from mine, but we all have a starting point beyond which we start to question common sense. Mine happens to be three.