Archive - Mar 2009

Taking Requests

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Memo to Steven Crowder: YOU ASKED, DUMBASS.

It's All-Request Tuesday here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, where we answer your pressing questions in the traditional You Are Dumb Dot Net way. What's that, Steven Crowder, Big Hollywood's resident "lone wolf" and failed stand-up comedian? You have a request?

"Atheists out there, am I wrong? I can’t say that I fully grasp your thought process, so feel free to slap me around here."

Well, if you insist. Crowder has written the latest installment of his "Lonewolf Diaries", entitled "Why Atheism Is A 'Mental Handicap'". So, you know, right off the bat, he can go fuck himself. Upon further reading, we learn that Steven Crowder's grasp of atheism is much like his grasp of writing, current events, and stand-up comedy. Limited in scope, narrow in focus, and mind-bogglingly retarded in the details. And speaking of the R-Word...

"Notice how I avoided using the word 'Retarded?' I’ve seen that many conservatives have developed a sudden hyper-sensitivity for the disabled this week, so I’ve opted to tread lightly.

Ah, bitter irony. I freely admit to throwing "retarded" around casually on this site. I also enjoy using the words "idiot" and "moron". But you may notice I rarely, if ever, use "developmentally disabled" or "mental handicap". You know why? Because those are current medical terms used to describe people who have a medical condition, while the other words are FORMER medical terms no longer in wide use. So by not calling atheists "retarded", Crowder was actually -more- offensive. Good one.

So why are atheists retarded? The logic is difficult to follow, even by Crowder's standards, but let's see what we can do. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The biggest problem with atheism is that it’s a philosophy which, at its very core, diminishes the value of life. If we were simply spawned from a puddle of gook, human life has no intrinsic value. Human worth is ultimately left up to societal circumstances, and that’s never a good thing."

That's just completely fucking stupid. Something left to circumstances can never never be a good thing, because it's left to circumstances. Maybe the circumstances are good. Maybe the circumstances recognize that people shouldn't be shot in the head even if they don't have souls. Of course, to truly understand Crowder's beef with atheism, you need to combine his "human life has no intrinsic values" with the knowledge that Steven Crowder is a rabid embryo-fetishist.

Atheists believe human right has an intrinsic value. Just not one imbued by God, who places a soul in a blastula the instant the sperm meets the egg. Steven Crowder may not like that intrinsic value, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I'm not sure how having evolved over millions of years from organisms spawned in the primordial soup makes us LESS valuable or special, but Crowder's an idiot, so what are you gonna do?

"To be an atheist, is to say that there is nothing that can’t be explained by current science. 'We MUST know that God is an impossibility… Because we know everything.' Is it illogical? Of course. There are holes in the religion of atheism more cavernous than Julia Roberts cakehole, folks. But who really cares? Since when has Hollywood given a damn about logic?

Um, Steven? Those aren't atheists you're hearing say that. Those are the voices in your head. Up your dosage. Atheists don't believe in God. Following your vaunted logic, if atheists believe there is nothing that can't be explained by CURRENT science, and we don't believe in God, then you, Steven Crowder, expect science to eventually explain God. Which makes you more of an apostate Christian than I am, asshole. As an atheist, I concede that God is a possibility, but it's a possibility for which there is no evidence or proof. Any atheist in this world would believe in God if evidence or proof presented themselves. Just, you know, not the bullshit "evidence" of an old book and how pretty trees are.

You will notice, by the way, that Crowder is lumping in all of Hollywood, which Crowder hates for their hedonistic, consequence-free, abortion-riddled lifestyle; with atheists, who he assumes must inherently lead hedonistic, consequences-free, abortion-riddled lifestyles. Sorry, Steve. All I can cop to is the hedonism. The lack of your mythical afterlife consequence doesn't mean that life on earth ignores cause and effect. There are more than enough consequences in the mortal plane to keep behavior in check, thank you very much. And most of them are a shitload more helpful than "if you wear a condom, you're going to hell."

So yes, Steven, you are wrong. You don't fully grasp our thought processes. Fuck, you don't even fully grasp the thought processes of the psychotic strawman atheist you've got running around in your own head. And you really need to stop asking to be slapped around every time you're wrong. You'll either be dead from multiple concussions within a month, or we'll all figure out how much you secretly enjoy it.