Archive - Mar 13, 2009

The "Big" Sleep

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Memo to Big Hollywood: BORED NOW.

And here I thought I'd be the one having to pace myself with Big Hollywood. They shot their blogwad in about two months. Oh, they're still producing new content, but it lacks that feisty, can-do, completely bugfuck spirit of those heady early days. I'm sure, from time to time, they'll grace these hallowed pages, just as WorldNutDaily, Ace Of Spades, and Fox News do, but they are no longer worthy of YAD's New Best Friend status. Just the same half-dozen hacks saying the same half-dozen things over and over. YAWN.

But let it not be said that I am ungracious when I dump someone. Let's have one last big fling with Big Hollywood, as I recount the three craziest fucking things I never got around to writing about in a very special SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

First up is Robert Avrech, best known for writing Brian DePalma's "Body Double", attacking public television. Now, I admit, a conservative attacking public ANYTHING is not a huge shock. They've been known to attack the idea of public restrooms when they could get away with it. But it's rare for a conservative to attack PBS for being anti-Semitic, and it's even rarer to find the evidence for it that Avrech does - an adaptation of Oliver Twist. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What a surprise, I didn’t know I had access to Al Jazeera. It was kind of scary, I mean, I know the Arab world is a sewer of Jew-hatred, but this Fagin is pretty darn close to the image of the evil Jew pushed by the Nazi propaganda machine. He’s not just the Jew, he’s the devil. This Fagin is such a leering, salivating monster that I wouldn’t be surprised if, in next week’s exciting installment, he molests a few doe-eyed kids then slaughters them so he can use their blood to bake matzo."

Yes, that's right. Robert Avrech is blaming PBS for warping Charles' Dickens character "Fagin" into an evil Jew. The archetypal example of literary anti-Semitism? A portrayal so rife with references to "The Jew" that it led to one of the earliest recorded instances of the retcon, when Dickens went back and toned down Fagin after befriending an actual Jew? How crazy do you have to be to see PBS portraying the world's most infamous Jewish caricature as the world's most infamous Jewish caricature, and see in it not artistic commentary, but a desire in a future unseen episode to make people believe real-life Jews eat real-life Gentile babies? Really fucking crazy, that's how crazy.

Next up we have Dave Konig, so desperate to fulfill his own stereotypical hatred that he sets a new Olympic record for the hundred meter misinterpretation. Konig, you see, was doing his comedy schtick at a Friars' Club charity event. Good for him. Probably not great for his audience, but good for him. Konig relates the following post-show conversation with an unidentified "70's Comedy Act".

"70’s COMEDY ACT: Uh, huh. I hate this place! / DAVE KONIG: Okay. / 70’s COMEDY ACT: The Catskills are dead! You guys are young - don’t you know that? The Catskills are dead! (TRANSLATION: 70’s Comedy Act is letting me know that my act was not edgy enough, didn’t make a statement, was too jokey, too “Catskills.” Not hip. Squaresville.) / DAVE KONIG: Okay. / 70’s COMEDY ACT: Sarah Silverman wouldn’t set foot in this place! (TRANSLATION: Sarah Silverman is the epitome of hip. Dave Konig is not. Dave Konig is a sap.) / DAVE KONIG: Okay. / 70’s COMEDY ACT: And I love Sarah Silverman! (TRANSLATION: And therefore, I, 70’s Comedy Act, am hip by proxy. Unlike Dave Konig, who is not hip by proxy or in any other way.)"

Um, Dave? That's not what 70's Comedy Act was telling you. He was giving you career advice. That advice? Do not fart around with ancient has-beens, because it makes you seem like an ancient has-been. The reason Sarah Silverman wouldn't step foot in the place is because she's a successful comedian. The reason Dave Konig would step foot in the place is because he's a conservative blogger who dabbles in low-rent stand-up. And though it was not mentioned, there was probably a buffet of some kind, or finger sandwiches.

Konig then takes his giant ball of insecurity, wads it up, chews it, sticks it in a very very large straw, and proceeds to hurl a spitball at 70's Comedy Act and all the other radical, bomb-throwing True Believers who are ruining comedy by making millions of people laugh, even though they're deadly serious leftists on the inside, or something. I'm not entirely sure, because unraveling the delusions of the world's Dave Konigs isn't worth the danger that his deep-seated neuroses are contagious.

And though we are saying to Big Hollywood more of a "catch you later" than a "good-bye", it's still appropriate to end this with Steven Crowder, who may actually be the earthly personification of conflating "political incorrectness" with "the right to be a dickhole without consequences". What happens when a man who can call his missives "Lonewolf Diaries" with a straight face takes on gender roles in the post-1968 era? About what you'd expect.

"The problem is that there is no longer a place for me to be what I am … a man. The thought hit me at the gym today when a fitness tart (the kind of gal who sports a revealing tank top and moisture-wicking pants) approached me in the middle of a lifting session to concernedly ask, 'Are you okay?' I responded with a vexed stare. 'It’s just that... you have chalk on your hands, your shirt is all dirty and your face is blood red. The gym is supposed to be fun!' she perkily exclaimed... I was at a loss for words as the realization hit me like a ton of bricks… I was surrounded by dames and metros... They couldn’t care less about testing their manhood or straining under some heavy iron. They’d rather compliment each other’s spray tans and oil down their 'guns.' Which leads me to ask; when did 'man' die?"

Well, I don't know about man, but I'm pretty sure the soul of the written word passed into the Great Beyond about two thirds of the way through that. It's just so sad. First there's the obvious sexist trolling, desperately trying to provoke angry feminist response to hoary old 1970's diminutives like "tart" and "gal". Dude, Andrew Dice Clay is on Celebrity Apprentice. You're not going to make sexism seem more pathetic than that, no matter how much you obviously want to try.

And in a Konigian feat of self-deception, Crowder portrays the incident as some astonished reaction to the overwhelming presence of his retrograde masculinity. But from the description he gives of the description she gives, it's a lot more likely she was checking to make sure a psychotic homeless dude hadn't wandered into the gym by accident. It's a pity - I bet if Crowder hadn't started defensively meditating about the tragic loss of Neanderthal bullshit, he could have cadged a free sandwich out of the deal.

Plus, as vapid as it may be, at least the "metros", which Crowder clearly wants us to pronounce "fags", have a goddamned reason for being there. They're working out so that they can look good and get laid. Crowder, on the other hand, showed up to pit his 1957-vintage penis-image up against a long, hard, heavy lump of metal, and pat himself on the back when his metaphor comes up short. Good job, Steven, but call us back once you're able to bench press your own inadequacies.