Archive - Mar 20, 2009

Brokeback Mountain Dew

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Memo to Donald Wildmon: GAY PEOPLE LIKE SUGAR WATER TOO.

I don't know how it happened, but I ended up on the American Family Association's mailing list. Either the Howard Foundation finally got around to selling Wildmon's crew their mailing list, or some wag reading the column thought I would be bothered by a couple of extra e-mails a month telling me what stupid shit crazy Jesus-freaks are up to. Either way, it's a rich source of ore for me to mine.

Case in point. The AFA is trying to get its members to boycott Pepsi. Like their previous boycotts of Ford and McDonald's, the AFA's hissyfit over Pepsi is based on recognizing the existence of gay people and wanting to sell products to them occasionally. Here, according to the AFA, are Pepsi's horrid crimes against heterosexuality:

  • Airing an ad, probably several years ago when people remembered what all the guys on "Queer Eye" looked like, in which one of the "Queer Eye" guys ogled a hot dude along with a bunch of women.
  • Airing an ad recently in England in which a man, to the shock of his pub-mates, works up the courage to hit on another guy.
  • Giving money to the Human Rights Campaign and P-FLAG
  • Being a member of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce
  • Giving its employees mandatory discrimination training that includes tolerance of their gay co-workers

Honestly, I'm disappointed. You would think, given how easily offended Wildmon's flock is, that they'd be more upset by Pepsi's other moves. Like that ill-fated Pepsi Challenge blind taste test where they found that nine out of ten men prefer the taste of Pepsi to the taste of cock. Of course, it could have been worse. If they'd done it near AFA headquarters the numbers would have been 50-50.

Let's hope that Pepsi has more spine than Ford or McDonald's. They must realize there are more gay soda drinkers than there are fundies willing to switch to Coke Classic. Still, I can't help but wish the AFA had caught Pepsi promoting something really perverse. You know, bestiality, glory holes, circuit parties, gay orgies, and eating horse sperm. Wait, what's this in my inbox? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Bestiality. Glory holes. Circuit parties. Gay orgies. Eating horse sperm. This is the kind of sickness Pepsi thinks is worth promoting." - The AFA Action Alert, emphasis theirs.

Turns out Pepsi was one of the sponsors of an episode of Family Guy which allegedly contained said content, which the AFA helpfully provided a more detailed description of, preventing me from actually having to watch any Family Guy. The "bestiality" is the ancient gag in which a sleeping male thinks an animal's tongue is his wife / girlfriend's. If that's promoting bestiality, then CLINT EASTWOOD PROMOTES BESTIALITY. So unless the AFA is prepared to publicly admit that being licked on the ear by a monkey is better than being licked on the butt by a horse, I expect their Clint Eastwood boycott to begin right away.

The horse sperm was also, to the shock of nobody who's ever watched Family Guy, an old, old joke. There are two things in the fridge! They look alike! One is wholesome and good, the other is disgusting! Oh my, I hope nobody accidentally drinks this "lemonade", or eats this "chocolate pudding". Everything else was in a filthy word-problem, causing me to be momentarily disoriented when the AFA ended a disapproving paragraph with "Peter helps his son Chris with math homework" before describing a joke that made four people laugh and three entire local chapters of the American Family Association really horny. Why else would they think Seth Macfarlane's crude stereotypes "promote the gay lifestyle"?

None of the other advertisers during that half hour of Family Guy were targeted, of course. Nor was the Fox network, who actually produced and aired it. The AFA already had a beef with Pepsi over the whole awful "supporting P-FLAG" thing, you see, and it'd be too much trouble for them to try and ramp up another boycott of Fox News at the same time. I say that sarcastically, but also with the full knowledge that these people barely have the brainpower to boycott one product at a time.

It is in that spirit that the AFA provides a handy list of all the products PepsiCo produces, allowing me to gauge the overall effectiveness of the boycott right now. For example, sales of SoBe Life Water should remain unaffected, as the few fundies that do accidentally wander into Whole Foods will probably think the water is anti-abortion. Sales should also remain steady on SmartFood popcorn, for obvious reasons.

Pepsi itself probably suffered a short decline in sales until they changed their logo, making all the illiterate fucks in the AFA think it was an entirely different soda. Funyuns are fucked, but Bacon-ets Fried Pork Skins sales will paradoxically rise, as AFA members turn to an irresistible comfort food to replace the hole in their diet left by the Funyuns boycott. Future sales of "Hostess Potato" cannot be predicted, as I cannot bring myself to learn what the fuck a "Hostess Potato" is, lest I be driven blind and insane by the knowledge.

And while I hope the AFA's attempts at future boycotts drown in an ocean of gay Pepsi One, I wish their future e-mailing efforts about this and similar boycotts all the success in the world. It's like a free two-liter of stupid with the order of any large stupid pizza. I don't need it, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna turn it down.