Archive - Mar 2009

March 27th

More Things That Suck

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Memo to Savage, Logic Twilight, Gutfeld, and Dobbs: YOU ARE DUMB.

Spastic Topic Monkey has no room for an intro. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

I simply cannot go without a mention of Michigan's own James Leroy Savage, sentenced to 90 days in prison for indecent exposure after police caught him fucking the vacuum cleaner at what proved to be the ultimate in self-service car washes. Prosecutors are also seeking a restraining order that limits Mr. Savage to the use of "no-touch" car washes upon his, if you'll pardon the expression, eventual release.

Exciting news for those of you who, like me, thrill at the evolving fart-noise industry for the iPhone. While the makers of "Pull My Finger" are caught up in an I-air-shit-you-not legal battle with the makers of "iFart" over whether or not "pull my finger" is a legally protectable phrase, the people at the increasingly appropriately-named Logic Twilight have decided to innovate. Their application is called "Ultimate Fart - Over 8 Trillion Farts!?!"

While I applaud their use of the rare - and filthy - double-headed interrobang, I can't help but doubt that this is Ultmate Fart. What happens when someone needs more than eight trillion farts? I'm sure the makers of the National Debt Clock never thought they'd need to count to ten trillion, but it happened. Eight trillion farts for 99 cents seems like an inextinguishable resource now, but you won't be laughing in 2032 when you're paying four bucks a gallon for gas.

In small Big Hollywood news, frequent BH contributor and douchebag Greg Gutfeld was forced to apologize to the Canadian military. Apparently, they're still making that shit-ass Fox News show Red Eye, because it's still on the air, Gutfeld is still hosting it, and during a recent episode he basically called the Canadian military a bunch of gay pussies. This apparently pissed off half of Red Eye's audience, and that guy told the Canadian government, and Gutfeld backed down faster than a gay Canadian pussy.

Big Hollywood has yet to feature posts by any one of its many writers decrying Gutfeld's surrender to "political correctness", but given their historical take on the subject, including an article just yesterday about how it's "cultural Marxism", the scathing diatribes will be forthcoming. Just as soon as we clear out all these damn chirping crickets.

And now, for the latest, but surely not final, edition of "Stupid Shit Lou Dobbs Can Say And Not Get Fired". ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"And by the way, I've got to wish to you, each and every one, Happy Saint Patrick's Day! I do that, and I have to be honest with you, despite my fervent anti-ethnic holiday position. That's right! I'm against St. Patrick's Day. I'm against St. Columbus Day. Saint Joseph's Day. I'm against all of those things. Is there, by the way, is there a Jewish, a Jewish ethnic holiday? Is there one? No? Okay. The Jews have disappointed me. I mean, is there a St. Mauritius? No? A Belize? I don't know. We gotta have -- there's gotta be something else going on here! How about an Asian ethnic holiday? Is there one? You know, a Saint Jin Tao Wow? Chinese New Year? All right, we can do that ... I mean, what is with all of these ethnic holidays? I mean how about an American Day? How about we're all the same kind of day?"

Is there anything that rich, privileged white assholes won't bitch about? Ethnic holidays? I invite Lou Dobbs to put his piles of money where his unstoppable cracker mouth is and start calling for a constitutional amendment. And once it passes, you can only celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Chinese New Year, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, or Yom Kippur for fourteen hours and 24 minutes. Fourth of July, Veterans' Day, Memorial Day, and Presidents' Day get the full 24.