Archive - Mar 2009

March 26th

Tead Off

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Memo to Lloyd Marcus: HA HA HA HA HA.

I have, a couple of times, made passing mention to "tea parties". For those of you who don't know, part of the whole right-wing, anti-Obama, anti-tax, blog-fueled revolution is the "American Tea Party", in which wingnuts who only recognize the first half of "no taxation without representation" gather in the dozens to throw Lipton in fountains because they cannot bear the return of Bill Clinton's marginal tax rate on incomes over $250,000 per year.

If you're anything like me, the instant you heard about the Tea Party movement, one question has haunted your thoughts - when, oh when, will they have a theme song? Well wonder no more, friends, because Lloyd Marcus has stepped up to the plate, delivering the "American Tea Party Anthem" unto YouTube, complete with, I shit you not, sloppily right-justified and misspelled lyric overlays. It is tragic, but not too tragic to laugh at. ACTUAL LYRIC TIME!

"Mr President! / Your stimulus is sure to bust / Its just a socialistic scheme / The only thing it will do Is kill the American Dream."

You know you're in for a rockin' good tune when the dozenth word in is "socialistic". Clearly, I have been misled as to the American Dream. I thought it involved the financial mobility of the working poor into a life of reasonable, middle-class comfort, but apparently it's actually picking your way across the rubble of a collapsed bridge while hedge fund managers fly overhead in their gold-plated zeppelins. My mistake.

"You wanna take from achievers / Somehow you think that's fair. / And redistribute to those folks / Who won't get out of their easy chair."

How is taking from achievers not fair? You could try taking from the non-achievers, but that's a bit tricky, on account of them being poor people without any money. Now, we could argue back and forth about whether extended unemployment benefits, which I believe are the only part of the stimulus package that involve cash being handed to people who aren't working, are a good idea or a bad idea, but even if you think unemployment benefits are the devil's cock-sweat, it's still just a bit more of an existing evil for a slightly longer time. Where were all you teabaggers when unemployment benefits were created? ACTUAL CHORUS TIME!

"We're havin' a tea party across this land / If you love this country / Come on and join our band / We're standin' up for freedom and liberty / Cause patriots have shown us freedom ain't free"

If any thesis statement truly sums up the rank idiocy of the American Tea Party, it is this chorus. Join the American Tea Party! We believe so fervently that "freedom isn't free", that if you dare try to make us pay a little bit more for it, we'll throw dried leaves in your general direction!

"So when they call you a racist cause you disagree / It just another of their dirty tricks to silence you and me. / I believe in the Constitution and all it stands for. / Anyone who tramples it should be booted out the door."

Um, I don't think anyone's calling the Teabaggers racists. Just morons. Perhaps Mr. Marcus has some lingering issues left over from campaign season? I leave the inherent comedy of the phrase "anyone who tramples it" as an exercise for the astute reader.

"Now we're not advocating violence / That's what the so-called peace crowd do / We're talkin' peaceful protest to defend the red, white and blue"

Yes, because as we all know, the Boston Tea Party, on which the American Tea Party is based, was a completely peaceful act of protest that didn't lead to any kind of violent uprising. Yep. Here's a fun mental exercise. Imagine a high school gymnasium. On one side, a thousand members of the "so-called peace crowd". On the other side, the first thousand people to attend American Tea Party events. We have to imagine, because at the rate they're going, they won't hit 1,000 until Obama's out of office. Anyway, ask every one of these two thousand people who owns one or more guns, and see which side has more raised hands. Just sayin'.

"We gotta vote out these clowns who don't love the USA / Who stay up late loosing sleep fearing what the French might say"

I'm sorry, did I miss a memo? Is John Kerry running for office? Is it 2004 again? Because if it is, I'm gonna sell all my stocks. French-bashing? In the Sarkozy era? Lloyd Marcus clearly learned conservatism phonetically. Anyway, you can tell the poor, pathetic fucker is plumb out of ideas, because it's time for the gospel-y fade-out chorus, during which the background singers repeat "freedom ain't free" while Marcus "freestyles" it. Did I mention it's kind of a gospel-y song? Because it is.

"(Stand up for America) / (Gotta take a stand) / (Mr Obama) / (we work hard for our money) / (Don't give it away) / (Save the day) / (Don't go givin' it away) / (It ain't gonna work) / (Give back our freedom) / (Give back our liberty) / (I love my country)"

Lee Greenwood, you have some stiff competition out there. Seriously, though - if the e-mails I'm getting from Donald Wildmon are correct, the next big massive country-wide Tea Party will be happening on April 15. So if, on that fateful day, you happen to see eight balding divorcees in American flag polo shirts belting out this song, give them a wide berth. Or you could throw your chai latte on them and apologize for having "misunderstood the whole Tea Party concept". Either way, it's important that you be prepared - these Tea Parties aren't going to mock themselves.