Archive - Mar 2009

March 25th

The Revolution Will Not Be Happening

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Memo to Michelle Bachmann: YOU CAN START ANYTIME.

I don't know what the fuck they're waiting for. The crazy right, which I believe these days starts three feet to the left of Newt Gingrich, has been openly talking in terms of revolution since this country had the temerity to up the average melanin content of the White House. Chuck Norris and Glenn Beck want to move to Texas and secede, anti-tax douchebags are holding astro-turfed tea parties, and bloggers are putting on their sweat-stained camouflage T-shirts and trying to find the instruction manuals to all the guns they bought when they thought Obama was going to ban them.

And of course, there is no right-wing cause so patently insane that Michelle Bachmann won't jump on its bandwagon, take control of said bandwagon, and steer it straight into a ditch, laughing madly the entire way. The revolution is coming, and Batshit Bachmann knows exactly what's going to trigger it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back. Thomas Jefferson told us ‘having a revolution every now and then is a good thing,’ and the people – we the people – are going to have to fight back hard if we’re not going to lose our country. And I think this has the potential of changing the dynamic of freedom forever in the United States." - Bachmann, on an AM radio rightard talk show.

What she's talking about when she says "energy tax" is Obama's cap-and-trade plan to reduce carbon emissions. Really. Now, I guaran-fucking-tee you that if you rounded up a hundred different right-wing climate-change deniers, and you asked them how a cap-and-trade plan would affect them personally, ninety nine of them would be completely stumped, and the hundredth would actually try to trade you his cap. But a carbon tax is going to cause us to lose our country and change the dynamic of freedom forever? I'm not surprised that Bachmann spouted this delusional idea. I am a BIT surprised that it was the least delusional thing she said. Here's the rest:

"I’m a foreign correspondent on enemy lines and I try to let everyone back here in Minnesota know exactly the nefarious activities that are taking place in Washington. I would say there are probably 30 keepers of the flame over here... The main thing we can do right now is be foreign correspondents reporting to you from enemy lines."

First of all, you stupid, stupid woman, you had two separate shots at getting the preposition right, and you blew both of them. In different ways. You are not on enemy lines. You are not from enemy lines. Your psychotic metaphor demands that you be BEHIND enemy lines. Behind. Like you were in school.

And second of all, what the fuck does it take to get these people fired? If I went on the radio and was heard explaining that I see all the people I work with as The Enemy, and see myself as Not One Of Them, but just an outsider from a faraway land who only goes in each morning so that I can leave each afternoon and tell you about all of the horrible things we're doing? My -behind- would be out the door so fast you'd hear the sonic boom in the suburbs.

But apparently it's just dandy for Bachmann to call herself a "foreign correspondent". Now, if she's foreign, that means she's from a different country than the rest of Congress. Which means either Michelle Bachmann doesn't see herself as American, or she doesn't see the rest of Congress as American. And given the Hardball appearance that should have gotten her voted out of office, and fuck you Sixth District for being a bunch of bumbling fuckups, I've got a pretty good idea what she's implying.

Bring your revolution on. What's stopping you? Annie, get your fucking gun already. The bullshit reasons you're giving for your uprising - fighting global warming, Clinton-era marginal tax rates, and a bank bailout started by Dubya - aren't going to get any less ridiculous. And if those things have gotten your panties into this big a collective bunch, you might as well revolt now, because things won't be getting better for you anytime soon.

So let's do this thing. Come on. Rally behind Michelle Bachmann. Be armed. Be dangerous. Live up to your lofty Jeffersonian quotes and your stupid teabagging and start your revolution. I dare you. I double-dog dare you. I bet Ann Coulter won't even write a book calling you a traitor if you do. You're all talking like your balls are made of neutronium? Well, plop them on the table and see how loud a bang they make. But when you do, don't be surprised when the only sound heard 'round the world is us laughing at you.