Archive - Mar 2009

March 24th

Matriculating Makes The Baby Jesus Cry

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Memo to Leo Berman: YOU ARE DUMB.

Of all the things I love to hate on here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, two of my favorites are wingnut state lawmakers and creationists. Seems like both groups share a common goal: to get themselves into positions of authority for which they're woefully unqualified due to a deficiency in the functioning neuron department.

So when I heard about creationist state representative Leo Berman and his exciting new plan to bestow intellectual credibility onto his pet mythology, I realized I had the makings of a YAD three-fer. For those of you furiously counting to two and wondering if I've finally lost it, I should mention he's also from Texas.

Berman's plan isn't exactly cunning. But it does appear to have heard about "cunning" second-hand, and is trying vainly to pull it off. You see, in Texas - let's make that EVEN in Texas - wingnut creationist diploma mills for pathetic home-schoolers aren't allowed to hand out real live master's degrees in science to students who spend six years learning to correctly spell both "irreducible" and "complexity".

Berman, who doesn't know the meaning of the words "master", "degree", or "science", has authored a bill that would change that. And while his bill was specifically crafted to help the Institute For Creation Research, it would apply to any so-called school that met Berman's core criteria - that they not call him a salamander. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I don’t believe I came from a salamander that crawled out of a swamp millions of years ago. I do believe in creationism. I do believe there are gaps in evolution." - State Rep Berman, to Fox News' website.

OK, first of all, the theory of evolution doesn't state that humans evolved from salamanders. The research clearly shows that salamanders are what human beings will evolve into once we try to go Warp 11. For fuck's sake, dude, you're named "BERMAN". You should know that. Second, fuck you right in your gap. There are probably more gaps in your teeth than there are in evolutionary science, you hick asshole. And you probably think God arranged for the tooth-gaps to test your faith during the Texas Capitol cafeteria corn-on-the-cob Wednesdays. But wait, there's more! There's always more.

"But when you ask someone who believes in evolution, if you ask one of the elitists who believes in evolution about the gaps, they’ll tell you that the debate is over, that there is no debate, evolution is the thing, it’s the only way to go. If a school’s teaching all evolution, would that be a balanced education? So it’s the same thing on both ends of the stick."

Um, Lou? There actually is a complicated and detailed explanation and debunking for every single one of the alleged "gaps" you read about in a Chick tract. The reason the "elitists" don't want to debate you is that it's very difficult to explain these things to a moron who works entirely in stick-based metaphors. And a "balanced education" does not mean actual biologists getting actual master's degrees in actual schools with actual science programs on one side of your "stick", and some in-bred Jesus-freak getting his equivalent six-year-degree in God Did It. Even by the incredibly forgiving standards of creationist argument, that shit makes no sense.

They have their own museums, and they're still not happy. They have their own colleges, and they're still not happy. So now they want the equivalent reward for a lot less work? Fuck you. I don't care how many assholes you assemble on a few square miles. You can call it a "college" until the salamanders come home, but spending six years being stupid and wrong doesn't entitle you to a Master's of Science degree. The best you can hope for with that under your belt is a second term in the Senate.