Archive - Mar 2009

March 18th

From Knees To Cheese

« March 2009 »

Forrest Gump once said, "Stupid is as stupid does", and the world swooned, apparently under the mistaken impression that you should embrace sage aphorisms from stupid people. Me, I've often found that stupid is as stupid says, or, in a less life-affirming and Oscar-winning way of putting it, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"Obviously he didn't have enough people looking at him? He has this country to think about, he has the candidacy to think about, he has the war to think about, and he has to bring me up?" - Tonya Harding, on Real Sports, complaining that Barack Obama used her as a synonym for taking out the frontrunner by hitting them in the knee.

Tonya, Tonya, Tonya. There are certain rules to life on this planet. When you throw something up in the air, you cannot complain when it then falls to earth. When you act upon an object at rest with an outside force, you cannot complain when that object does not remain at rest. And when you hire someone to hit the frontrunner in the knee so that you can win, you cannot complain when your name becomes a synonym for taking out the frontrunner so that you can beat them. Why did he have to bring you up? Because YOU MADE YOURSELF A SYNONYM. Deal with it.

"And as the Democrats are about to institutionalize cartels — that’s what they’re very good at — they’re trying to consolidate power, so we need to do everything we can to thwart them at every turn to make sure that they aren’t able to, for all time, secure a power base that for all time can never be defeated." - Michelle Bachmann, who is still fucking crazy.

You see that, Sixth District? This is what happens when you reward someone by voting for them even though they say CRAZY SHIT. When your dog shits on the carpet, and you give him a Milk-Bone, within a week you will be knee-deep in shit. What Democrats are these, that institutionalize cartels, consolidate power, and can never be defeated? No Democrat in the history of Democrats has fit that description! I've spent the past eight years WISHING for a Democrat who could consolidate power. Barack Obama can't even consolidate moderate Democrat assholes, so I doubt he'll declare Michelle Bachmann to be a one-woman cartel, no matter how much she deserves to be institutionalized.

"Unfortunately we have a chairman up there who wants to redefine conservatism; he wants to make it hip hop, put it in a new package and sell it. You can't sell principles; either you have them or you don't." - Sam Wurzelbacher, who I refuse to call by his popular sobriquet until he legally changes his name to "Joe" and fixes a leaky pipe on camera.

OK, motherfuckers, it's March. That means Sam the Dickhead's artificial fame is now six months old. He's like an expensive cheese you bought by mistake. You never wanted it in the first place, but you keep it in the fridge because you have way too much invested in it, plus you assume it's supposed to smell like that. Just throw the cheese out. Stop paying the cheese to speak at your Republican functions. Stop asking the cheese what it thinks about stuff. IT'S CHEESE. Cheese doesn't know a goddamned thing about public policy, and neither does Sam.

"The release of MadWorld for the Wii brings violent video games to a once family-friendly platform... Unfortunately, Nintendo has opened its doors to the violent video game genre." - The National Institute on Media and the Family, in a press release.

This just pisses me off. Not only does it come about a month after the release of "House Of The Dead: Overkill", which is a very violent video game, but it comes a YEAR after the release of No More Heroes, in which you could vertically bisect people with a five-bladed lightsaber before returning to your apartment to listen to the latest message from the video store about the porn you haven't returned on time. Where was the National Institute on Media and the Family when No More Heroes really needed the publicity that only right-wing outrage could provide? Probably in a church basement playing Carnival Games. You useless bastards, MadWorld already has an ad campaign. Get your uptight act together before No More Heroes: Desperate Struggle gets released, because if I don't see some sales-boosting moral outrage, I will be very, very angry.