Archive - Apr 1, 2009

April Fool's Gay

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Memo to Some Mom, Some Guy, and Some Senator: YOU ARE DUMB.

Happy "No, Your Stupid Internet Prank Isn't Funny, Why The Fuck Did You Even Bother" Day! No bullshit here, no tricks, no pranks, no wacky shenanigans. Because what is April Fools Day but a day for fools, and what is a fool if not an idiot, and what is an idiot if not someone who SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS?

"I went back to the web site and left a very respectful review of the game just stating that this kind of thing should be left out of kids' games, and the administrator removed my post, stating it was inappropriate. I had no idea how insidious they were being with pushing the homosexual agenda." - an anonymous "concerned mother" quoted by psychotic conservative website WorldNetDaily.

The woman was concerned about a downloadable Flash game that was apparently so chock full of the gay she had to protect her daughter from it. The game? Life. That's not an existential aside, I mean the board game "The Game Of Life". You know, with the spinner and the jobs selling insurance? Yeah. The game lets you pick the gender of your player and the gender of your spouse. The developers did this, presumably, because they wanted their Game Of Life to be played by families that exist in The Actual Life, and some stupid fundie bitch who can't cope with the existence of things she dislikes wants the downloadable board game adaptation industry to bend to her bigoted whim.

Well, lady, if your daughter's a lesbian, she's already a lesbian. She was a lesbian six years ago when she popped out, and she'll be a lesbian ten years from now when she's lying to you about it because she remembers you freaking right the fuck out at a board game. I just hope that the future of video blogging is such that I'll be able to actually watch the moment you find out the truth on the 2019 version of YouTube. That'll be hilarious.

"If someone is saying that adverse employment action is being taken against Ms. Taylor because of homosexuality, they're wrong." - John Meyer, an attorney representing Grandfield High School in Oklahoma.

I understand that in an attorney-talking-to-the-press situation, there is a certain deliberate minimalism that must be observed. But dude, you're going to have to try a lot harder than that. I mean, the school's in rural Oklahoma. Even without any details, if I hear "adverse employment", "homosexuality", and "rural Oklahoma" I've already got a damn good idea of what went down. But here are the details.

High school class watches a movie about the murder of Matthew Shepard. High school class embarks on project to film scenes from the story, with administrative approval. Said approval is withdrawn three days into filming. Teacher complains to school board. Superintendent recommends teacher be fired, teacher resigns. Apparently, the official line is that the project was cancelled for having swears in it, which, if true, is actually more damning than the gay-hate. Oklahoman teens may be raised by shitkicking bigoted panhandle-fuckers who think that Matthew Shepard got what he deserved, but I guarantee you they also all use every filthy word that might have been in the filmed scenes. The only difference is the lack of an artistic context and the likelihood that "fuck" is conjugated correctly.

"Roberts didn't tell us the truth. At least Alito told us who he was. But we're stuck with those two young men, and we'll try to change by having some moderates in the federal courts system as time goes on -- I think that will happen." - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, reflecting on John Roberts' confirmation hearings as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

And whose fault is that, Harry? Oh, if there had only been some way to tell that John Roberts was lying, that he was a hardline conservative portraying himself as a moderate to win your approval so that once you OK'ed him for a lifetime job on the highest court in the land, holding life and death power over millions of Americans, he could reveal his true ideology and impose it from the bench. How could you POSSIBLY HAVE KNOWN?

Maybe, just maybe, you should have tried being a little bit skeptical when a known liar, idiot, and ideologue picked the new head of the Supreme Court. Maybe you should have done your goddamned job and figured out he was lying before you voted for him. Because when you get your turn to name justices, the Republicans won't trouble themselves with believing your pick is a moderate even if they actually are a moderate. Let's hope, in the spirit of April Fool's Day, that you're a lot less gullible by then.