Archive - Apr 23, 2009

I, For One, Welcome Our New Tan Overlords

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Memo to the Bow/Shake Contingent: YOU ARE DUMB.

Let's see. I covered the pirates, the gays, the elderly, and the torture-lovers in my attempt to get caught up from the T Party. I think that just about covers it. Although I do have this nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something. That I'm missing something important. Something major that happened over the past week and a half. Can't put my finger on it, though. Wait. Finger... hand... hand... shake! That's it!

I completely forgot how we totally got taken over by Saudi Arabia and Venezuela! Dammit, I hate when that happens. Foreign powers interpret a courteous gesture from our nation's leader as a sign of weakness and assert complete dominance over us, and it slips my fucking mind like it was a Best Buy coupon sitting on my desk. Ten percent off? Fuck you! National sovereignty? Fuck you even harder!

You would think, given that it happened twice in one week, it would have made a bigger impression on me. I mean, Obama BOWED to the King of Saudi Arabia! Oh, he said he was bending over for a double-handed handshake, but the officials (by which I mean Michelle Malkin) reviewed the tape from more angles than the Zapruder film, and it turns out it was a bow. Fucking rookie mistake, really. A President with some experience would have known that it's an established tenet of international law that when one head of state shows deference to another, that other head of state gets to keep your country. How do you think we managed the Louisiana purchase? Well, I mean besides the genocide.

It was really tough getting used to being explicitly under Saudi rule, after all those decades where we just tacitly did whatever they wanted because they had all the dinosaur juice and we couldn't afford to piss them off. But we managed, and life returned to a sense of almost-normalcy. And then Obama fucked up AGAIN, and shook Hugo Chavez' hand. Oh, they said it wasn't a handshake, their hands just accidentally touched while Obama was bending over to bow to him, but the officials (Michelle Malkin again, but this time with a martini in one hand and her crotch in the other) reviewed the tape AGAIN and confirmed that yes, it was a handshake. And a smile.

Again, precepts of international law dictate that if you shake the hand of any world leader that's called you names, or that Newt Gingrich doesn't like, that guy gets your country. Why do you think the British were so upset at the Michelle Obama hug? The law's not clear when it's a First Lady and a figurehead, but if we'd pressed the issue, we probably could have gotten Scotland out of it.

Come to think of it, given this very specific law, you'd think that Newt Gingrich wouldn't publicly dislike anyone, but I guess that's not how Newt rolls. Apparently the Venezuelans and the Saudis came to some joint agreement about how to rule over us, because, you know, either fucking way we're buying all their oil, and life under our new overlords continues in much the same way as it did before Obama showed such stunning weakness. Sure, gas is back up over two dollars a gallon, but if the State Department's cunning "President Ahmedinejad, your shoelace is untied" gambit goes as planned, we'll have that cleared up by next month.