Archive - Apr 24, 2009

They Got Off Easy

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Memo to Betty Brown, Ramsey County, and Michal Grzes: YOU GOT OFF EASY.

Some people out there are very, very, very lucky that I've been as busy as I have been with the past two weeks of the column. People who, were it not for teabagging, torture, and the general level of insanity in the public discourse right now, would have gotten a verbal reaming courtesy You Are Dumb Dot Net. But I had more important fish to fry, so they got off easy. But that doesn't mean they'll get off scot free. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY: ASSHOLE ROUNDUP EDITION!

Betty Brown got off easy. Normally, if you're a state representative in Texas, and you suggest something as insane as making minorities change their freakish foreign names to make voting easier, you would get a good day and a half in this space. Instead, you get one quick ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here? Can’t you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier for you and the people who are poll workers if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that’s easier for Americans to deal with?"

Now, Betty Brown spent two days being lambasted by the world as the dumbest fuck in the news, and rightfully so. But one question I didn't see asked was this - with Republican disenfranchisement squads on constant alert every two years, screaming "ACORN!" and "VOTER FRAUD!", is it really a good idea to have, as Brown suggests, vast swaths of minorities adopt a second name they only use for ID purposes at the polls? I can only imagine the outcry that would ensue if Ann Coulter, say, went to the wrong district to vote, and saw Ramey Ko (to whom Brown was speaking) voting as "Brad Smith".

Ramsey County got off easy. Remember back during the Republican National Convention, when all those "anarchists" were planning to destroy the Twin Cities with their "disruption", and the only thing keeping us safe were hundreds of riot-gear-clad police officers herding blocks full of pedestrians into paddy wagons? And how I perhaps mentioned that the key thing wasn't the arrests, but the convictions?

Well, surprise surprise, the activists known as the "RNC 8", members of a so-called anarchist group, had charges of terrorism dropped a couple of weeks back. They still go to trial in September on charges of conspiracy to incite a riot, and we'll see how well THAT goes, but at least one of the biggest overreactions of the convention week was walked back, since it was apparently based on them talking to two guys from Texas who got caught in possession of Molotov cocktails. For fuck's sake, THROWING a Molotov cocktail isn't even really terrorism. Talking to someone who had them and didn't throw them? Even less so.

Michal Grzes got off easy. I'd have ripped him a couple of new vowel-holes if I'd had the chance. He's a Polish politician who got all outraged over the Poznan Zoo's purchase of what he called a "gay elephant". The elephant in question, Ninio, hasn't been fucking the ladies like a good straight elephant should. Instead, he's hanging around with all the dude elephants. Which, as we all know, is totally totally gay.

Now, while I would normally call Grzes all sorts of synonyms for "stupid" that have nothing to do with his infamous nationality just for being such a dick about one of nature's occasional forays into animal homosexuality, it turns out that Ninio is ten years old. And elephants apparently don't start making the very, very, very large beast with two backs until they're at least... fourteen. So Grzes is, essentially, publicly berating a pre-teen child for still being a virgin. Maybe that kind of bullshit flies in Warsaw, but here we call that being an unforgivable tool.