Archive - Apr 2009

April 14th

Tureaud's Syndrome

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"Anger - use it, but don't lose it!" Lawrence "Mr. T" Tureaud, "Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool"

Anger is important. Anger is useful. Anger is a great motivator. Mr. T knew that, but clearly he also knew that anger had to be kept in check. Unfocused, generic anger can quickly turn into paranoia. Case in point, the National Tea Party. Oh, they're trying to put a respectable face on it, but the truth is, the motivating force behind the National Tea Party is the fear that Glenn Beck is right, and socialist Nazis have a communist five-year-plan to hand the paychecks of hard-working, middle-class Americans over to gay black welfare recipients.

And since the enemy they're ostensibly protesting against doesn't exist, maintaining the movement depends on the creation of, and subsequent demonizing of, enemies. Wingnut logic demands that if they are trying to stop us, we must be right. And if they're criticizing us, we must be right. And if they're mocking us, we must be right. Why they can't determine their correctness through empirical means, rather than the goat entrails and bone-casting of their actions' effect on an increasingly skeptical population, is anybody's guess. But that's how it is. For tomorrow's tea parties to be important, the tea parties must be actively opposed by the enemy.

This enemy apparently includes the local governments of the communities where tea parties will be taking place. Well, OK, one local government. In a small town in Texas. Maybe. Only if you take the word of FreedomWorks, one of the wingnut think tanks that's been organizing this spontaneous grassroots populist uprising for months. According to them, Burleson, Texas has determined that a tea party would not be "in the public interest".

That's not actually true, of course. What city officials said was that a bunch of right-wing retards throwing tea bags around on the HIGHWAY was not in the public interest. They can do whatever they want in a local strip mall, and it should be a rockin' time. They've got all kinds of people lined up for their non-partisan protests, including a local Republican club president and a Constitution Party gubernatorial candidate who favors Texas secession. And, of course, ACORN.

Remember ACORN? The shadowy "community organizers" who were going to, and apparently succeeded at, throwing tens of millions of votes to Barack Obama in the 2008 election? Well, guess what? Stealing the presidency wasn't enough to satisfy these left-wing kooks. Now they're going to make the tea party people look bad! Enjoy this excerpt from an actual e-mail making the rounds:

"TEA PARTY CAUTION! DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING - FROM ANYONE - AT ANY TEA PARTY ANYWHERE IN THE USA —- NO EXCEPTIONS!Federally-funded ACORN operators will be at all Tea Parties to get signatures which they will give to Obama stating that the signatures are in support of his policies or to get the names of people who oppose his policies and report dissention... PASS IT ON!"

I can't help that this e-mail might not be the best way to keep this from happening. I mean, the only way you could get someone to sign a petition under false pretenses is if the person signing was too stupid to read, or be able to read, the petition he was signing. And while I'll be the first to admit that tea partiers are that stupid, and more, they're also probably too stupid to read, or be able to read, this e-mail.

It'd be better if these people went around with a clipboard at the start of the rally, getting everyone to sign a pledge that, for the duration of the tea party protest, they won't sign any petitions. That way you could explain it to them, slowly, using small words, so that they understand it. Of course, you wouldn't have this problem at all if you pigfuckers had listened to Mr. T, who encouraged you to stay in school.

The amazing thing, to me, is how the tea party organizers are underestimating the threat from within. I mean, Louisiana senator David Vitter wants to officially recognize April 15 as National Tea Party Day. Tea Party organizers have embraced the idea, without even doing the basic research required to ensure that to David Vitter, "tea party" doesn't mean paying a prostitute to spank you for "making tea" in your adult diapers. That's just basic due diligence, guys. Come on.

The good news is, at this point, it appears as if all the nonexistent opposition to the tea parties will be overcome by tomorrow. Unless nobody shows up, or people embarrass themselves, in which case clearly ACORN will have achieved its mission.