Archive - Apr 2009

April 10th

The Baby Looks Stunning In That Red Envelope

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Memo to Don Olson, Michael Wilson, and Oscar de la Renta: YOU ARE DUMB.

I have something vaguely special vaguely planned for vaguely next week, and while I don't want to commit to anything I haven't finished, it's gonna be vaguely awesome. So no time for the deep, complicated analysis and metaphor-rife dickjokery that is my stock in trade. Just SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Don Olson writes a letter to the Star-Tribune!

"Regarding the proposal to require car seats for all children under the age of 8, many families have more than two children under 8 years old. Most cars have only three locations, beside the driver, where children can sit -- the front passenger seat and the two side positions in the back-seat area. This means that a family with three young children under 8 would either have to leave one parent or one child behind since there wouldn't be a place for a child to sit under the proposed law."

This is an outrage. And out of sympathy with Don Olson, I propose the following compromise. That the law require car seats for only two of any family's children under the age of 8. Because, let's face it. If you have three kids in eight years, and can't be bothered to buy a car big enough to drive them all around safely, it is not the government's place to inconvenience you. You've clearly made the decision to breed like crazed rabbits in the hope of having spares in case one or more of them get catapulted through the windshield.

Oh, sure, you could actually plan your life around the safe raising and transport of your ever-expanding brood, or you could STOP FUCKING FUCKING ALREADY, but this is America, and we're not going to out-breed the Muslim hordes with this kind of nanny-state, No Child Left Behind On The Asphalt government regulation.


The New York Times accelerates the death of the newspaper!

"But for many couples, the queue — the computer list of which films will arrive next in the mail, after those at home are returned — is as important as everything else that spouses and other varieties of significant others share, from pet names to closet space to the bathroom. For some, this is fine. For others, the queue is the new toilet seat that somebody left up."

Petty morons seizing on technology to continue their pettiness and moronitude is not news. In much the same way that any new art medium will be immediately used to draw boobies, any new service or feature will be used by passive-aggressive assholes in dysfunctional relationships to score points off their insignificant others and start trivial fights masking deep-seated insecurities and emotional flaws. Every second Michael Wilson spent writing about a couple who held onto "The English Patient" for six months, then returned it unwatched, is a second wasted, multiplied by the seconds wasted by everyone this story was, wittingly or unwittingly, inflicted upon. If he had spent the same amount of time slapping Louis Marino and Trente Miller about the face and head, he might have made the world a better place, but instead, he made it worse.


America's most famous fashion designers have been butthurt for weeks, whining that Michelle Obama is going around wearing clothes from smaller, less famous designers, or things she got from an actual retail store. ACTUAL OSCAR DE LA RENTA QUOTE TIME!

"I don't object to the fact that Mrs. Obama is wearing J. Crew to whatever because the diversity of America is what makes this country great. But there are a lot of great designers out there. I think it's wrong to go in one direction only. You don't...go to Buckingham Palace in a sweater."

OK, first of all, I'd like to apologize to Louis Marino and Trente Miller. I was wrong. To really make the world a better place, Michael Wilson should have spent the first five minutes slapping them around, then tracked down Oscar de la Renta and spent the rest of the time slapping him. He sounds like every other privileged prick who's accustomed to having his power base. White people, Christians, fashion designers... any time the "other" starts getting some of their attention, all of a sudden they're bemoaning the lack of balance.

Personally, I think it's a brilliant political move on the first lady's part. Because the "Bruno" movie is coming out this year, and there are going to be a whole bunch of top-of-the-line fashion designers made to look like complete and utter idiots and fools. And you know Fox News would be all over it if she ever wore anything by whoever ends up saying the dumbest or most offensive thing. And apparently you do go to Buckingham Palace in a sweater, because when she did, the earth didn't object to the gaucheness, open up, and swallow everyone whole.

OK, off to plan the party favors for Monday.