Archive - May 13, 2009

Unclear On The Concept

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Memo to Joe Barton, Liz Cheney, and Carrie Prejean: YOU ARE (STILL) DUMB.

I understand ideological differences. I understand political rhetoric. But I also understand stupid shit, and when ideological differences and the demands of political rhetoric force you into saying incredibly stupid shit, maybe you should be taking a serious look at either your ideology or your rhetoric. Because they appear to be turning you into an IDIOT who will SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"So if you put 20,000 marathoners into a confined area, you could consider that a single source of pollution, and you could regulate it. The key would be whether the EPA said that 20,000 people running the same route was one source or not." - Texas congressman Joe Barton, who is unclear on the concept.

That's not the key, Joe. That's a lump of shit on the ground five miles from where someone else dropped a key. Because before that, they'd have to go completely bugfuck insane and equate people breathing, which is a natural, uncontrollable process, with the mass burning of fossil fuels for industrial purposes, which is a controllable process. And then, having gone insane, they'd have to go even MORE insane, and decide that twenty thousand people breathing in a line for 26 miles is something different from twenty thousand people breathing some other way, like in a few blocks of New York City.

And then the rest of us, who still have some limited ability to curtail a completely insane government, would have to all agree that that was just fine by us. And none of this would even remotely be a consequence of the decision to not spew so much fucking carbon into the air. You would think, for all the money big industry has funneled into Joe Barton's campaign over the years, that they'd be upset at the shit-ass, sorry arguments he's marshaling on their behalf, but apparently they're not terribly picky.

"Clearly what they are doing is releasing images that show American military men and women in a very negative light. And I have heard from families of service members, from families of 9/11 victims, this question about, you know, when did it become so fashionable for us to side, really, with the terrorists? - Liz Cheney, who is unclear on the concept.

I don't know, Liz. When did it become fashionable to put the daughters of war criminals on the teevee to pretend that what their daddy did wasn't a violation of both American law and common morality? Do you know why those pictures show American military men and women in a very negative light? Because those military men and women were ABUSING AND MURDERING PRISONERS. That's what's putting them in a negative light. And the best way to ensure that they keep abusing and murdering prisoners is to allow past abuse and murder to happen without consequences. Consequences like letting the world know what was done, and punishing the people who did it and the bald, scowling daddy of yours who told them to do it.

"I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking me this question. And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, "Do not compromise this. You need to stand up for me and you need to share with all these people ... you need to witness to them and you need to show that you're not willing to compromise that for this title of Miss USA. And I knew right here that it wasn't about winning. It was about being true to my convictions." - Carrie Prejean, who was very, very unclear on the concept in an interview with James Motherfucking Dobson.

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit that if the omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent God of the Christian faith had in fact inserted his Holy Voice into the head of a boobjobbed pageant contestant, and furthermore instructed her to speak her feelings on the matter of the homosexual marriage he opposes so very strongly, so as to move public opinion away from this matrimonial abomination, that he ALSO would have put some sentences in the empty vessel that is Prejean's skull so that she wouldn't undercut his case by sounding like a fucking moron.

For anyone still tempted to feel sympathetic to Prejean, keep this in mind. In about two weeks, she's taken herself from beauty queen, to culture war victim, to courageous political activist, and now all the way to the Joan of Motherfucking Arc of the gay marriage war. That's an impressive series of career moves for a woman whose only demonstrable talent had to be bumped up a cup size or two to be competitive. Plus, it's convenient! All the benefits of martyrdom, without any of that pesky singing or burning. Nice work, if you can get it.