Archive - May 20, 2009

Bad Charlotte

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Memo to Charlotte Allen, the Pentagon, and Pat Robertson, YOU ARE DUMB.

Ah, sweet, sweet Wednesday. When I can kick back, relax, and go through the backlog of starred RSS feeds for comment-worthy quotes from our nation's moronorati. Easy for me, entertaining for you, it's time for the weekly dose of win-win-lose I call IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"In his online "Atheist Manifesto," Harris writes that "no person, whatever his or her qualifications, can seek public office in the United States without pretending to be certain that ... God exists." The evidence? Antique clauses in the constitutions of six -- count 'em -- states barring atheists from office." - Charlotte Allen, whining about atheists whining in the Los Angeles Times.

See, atheists? Nothing's stopping you except some old antiquated laws that nobody enforces anyway! No cultural issues, no general voter distrust of the faithless. So get out there and hold public office, why don't you? I tell you, the only way Allen could have made her case even stronger would have been to do some research and cite names of all the avowed atheist politicians holding public office in America. But she didn't do that, because she'd have to scrap her stupid column and write about something else when she didn't fucking find any. And she'd already called Richard Dawkins a mean doodyhead, and it'd have been a shame for all that work to go to waste just because of the blindingly obvious political reality.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." - Ephesians, by way of the cover sheet for a top-secret intelligence report on the progress of the Iraq War.

This lovely detail came out over the weekend - that someone at the Pentagon was slapping martial Bible quotes all over various Iraq War reports, presumably to curry the favor and approval of the dipshit that already thought he was talking to God. This is clearly psychotic bullshit, but the usual people have come out in force to defend it, and there's something fascinating about their defense.

They defend this in complete isolation from context. They mention that it's harmless, that nobody saw the reports anyway, and that religious imagery has been part and parcel of our military misadventures for as long as we've been having them. All of this is true... well, not the harmless part, but the rest of it is true. It's also irrelevant.

Because these Bible quotes don't exist in a vacuum. They exist as part of a cloud of data points, from Dubya having to learn the hard way not to use the word "crusade", to soldiers trying to convert the infidels, to the whole general anti-Muslim sentiment that both held sway in America and was shamefully exploited by our policymakers after 9/11. Individually, all these data points are bad. Collectively, they paint a crystal-clear picture of how completely fucking insane we've been for the better part of this decade. We've spent years bombing people because the people in charge of the bombs thought it would make Jesus happy. And anyone who denies that is only doing so because deep in their heart of hearts, they still believe Jesus is smiling at them for it. This means you, Pat Buchanan.

"Lee, we haven’t taken this to its ultimate conclusion. You got polygamy out there. How can we rule that polygamy is illegal when you say that homosexual marriage is legal. What is it about polygamy that’s different? Well, polygamy was outlawed because it was considered immoral according to biblical standards. But if we take biblical standards away in homosexuality, what about the other? And what about bestiality and ultimately what about child molestation and pedophilia? How can we criminalize these things and at the same time have constitutional amendments allowing same-sex marriage among homosexuals. You mark my words, this is just the beginning in a long downward slide in relation to all the things that we consider to be abhorrent." - Pat Robertson, who gets to keep saying things because he owns his own network that he built with all the money suckers gave him. Thanks, suckers! Thuckers!

I know I've covered this ground many times before, but one of the things that people need to get through their thick fucking skulls is that the Bible is not the only way we determine whether something is abhorrent or not. There's an entire world out there of secular philosophy, social history, and rational thought that lets us determine whether or not something is abhorrent regardless of what your old book says.

And you know what? Even without the Bible telling us so, we know that fucking animals and children are wrong. And that's how we can criminalize them, asshole. Because they're objectively, rationally wrong, because they do harm to defenseless beings who cannot consent to what is happening to them. That this same standard doesn't cover homosexuals is not our problem, it's your problem, and with five states legalizing gay marriage with a couple more on the way, your problem's just going to keep getting bigger. And twenty years from now, you're still gonna go to jail if you fuck a cow. So Pat, try not to get caught.