Archive - May 4, 2009

Torn Between Two Lovers

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Memo to Rick Warren: YOU WERE DUMB.

I know it's been a few weeks, but I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't take the time to retroactively mock Rick "Silent P" Warren for his awesomely unsuccessful trip to Larry King Live. If you haven't heard the Rickster's purpose-driven name for a few weeks, there's a good reason why. He's been laying low.

You've almost gotta feel sorry for the guy. I mean, he's living a double life that would be the envy of any closeted right-wing Christian. On the one hand, he's a raging homophobe, or is more than willing to say ragingly homophobic things to friendly audiences. He's like the Republican Party in a lot of ways - faced with a clinically insane base that he dare not alienate, but a base that is too small to help him reach his goals of wealth and power. So he has to appeal to a bunch of other people - but those people are alienated by the crazy people.

Rick Warren knows all too well that in 2009, you can't be "America's preacher", with a multimedia empire and a series of best-selling books, if you ALSO have a reputation as being a hateful, knee-jerk bigot. That's why his appearance at Obama's inauguration was such a big fucking deal. It helped him with the average American - if Obama likes him, he can't be all bad, right? And it didn't hurt him much with his base, because it pissed off all the gay hippies. And if the gay hippies were mad, Warren must have been doing something right.

So anyhow, second week of April, Rick Warren goes on Larry King, clearly with the goal of appealing to the kind of uninformed, average American moderates who still bother to watch Larry King. And Larry King asks him about gay marriage. And Rick Warren lies through every single one of the pearly, bleached, capped and crowned teeth all his purpose-driven royalties paid for. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"During the whole Proposition 8 thing, I never once went to a meeting, never once issued a statement, never—never once even gave an endorsement in the two years Prop 8 was going." - Rick Warren, in one of those "Um, excuse me, asshole, but this is the age of digital video, and we not only have the footage, we can embed it in any web page we want and transmit it around the globe" moments.

In the days after the interview, it became hilariously obvious that Rick Warren lost about four-and-a-half billion points as a result. He scored no points with his detractors, because his detractors, being intelligent sorts with access to video of him specifically telling his flock "I urge you to support Proposition 8 and to pass that on.". But he lost four and a half billion points from his psycho bigot base who, being stupid sorts with abandonment issues, immediately took the interview as a sign of betrayal.

So the wingnuts went apeshit. Warren cancelled a subsequent stop on Stephanopoulos' show, claiming he was suffering from "exhaustion". Normally, in the celebrity world, "exhaustion" is code for "three-day meth bender", but Warren was apparently, as odd as this sentence is to write, afraid of the tough questions from George Stephanopoulos. Personally, I'd rather admit to the meth bender, but Rick Warren and I once again have different priorties, I guess.

So Rick's spent the better part of a month with his head down and his mouth shut. I know what he's hoping will happen. He's hoping our collective microscopic attention spans will erase his transgressions from memory. But given the mentality of the folks he's pissed off, that won't cut it. If Rick wants to be seen as one of them again, he'll have to prove himself by doing something publicly grandiose and hateful. But he can't do that, because dammit, we're in the middle of a huge recession, and Saddlebacking isn't bringing in what it used to.

The guy's in a tight spot, and he deserves all the sympathy we can muster. So once everyone who isn't a complete dickhead, and who hasn't placed themselves in their predicament through their own bigotry, duplicity, and desire for power get all THEIR problems resolved, then we'll get right back to you, Rick.