Archive - May 8, 2009

More Ways I Was Right

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Memo to Cramer, Prejean, and Wurzelbacher: I WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU BEING DUMB.

I talk a lot of shit on this site. It's one of the prerequisites of putting out five columns a week - it requires saying things with a certain frequency. Given that, you'd think my overall error rate would be a lot higher. But it's not. And while I'll be the first to admit that the calls I make are ones that anyone with one eye, one ear, and half a brain could make, I'll also be the first to admit that a lot of people don't seem to be using that basic equipment. So every once in a while I like to take a look back at some of my wiser observations that have proved almost startlingly prescient.

"And Cramer himself? Cramer was on the air the next day, laughing the whole thing off, because when he shook Jon Stewart's hand and promised to be a decent human being, that was an act. An act designed to put him back on his show, attacking Obama as a socialist, giving out corporate-friendly stock advice to casual rubes, and pushing his magical funny noise button. The status quo cannot be changed by a single person exposing individual facts during a one-time event. The day goes to Stewart, but the war was lost a long time ago." - Me, March 16, 2009.

"It was a complete and utter ambush. He told my staff that it was going to be fun, convivial, no clips, but [it] doesn't matter, he's a comedian, he can do whatever he wants. Was it a fair fight? No, it wasn't even a fight. I came on with the idea of taking a high road approach and discussing the issues, obviously [Stewart] came on strictly to try to humiliate me. It was brutal. Was he stand-up? Absolutely not. Did he comport himself as a gentleman? Hardly. It was a deposition; he wants to be a prosecutor." - Jim Cramer, April 10, 2009, Ohio State University Ledger.

Cramer wasn't chastened, he just tucked in his nutsack like a sumo wrestler to keep it from being permanently damaged. And now he has is own special version of the night where he's the victim, Stewart's the bully, and the next time he sees him, Cramer is going to kick Stewart's ass. Oh, by the way, I was right about the "socialism" thing too:

"Tina, they wanted to nationalize every bank in March. It turns out that almost every bank is solvent. They wanted to turn us into Sweden... we cannot be Sweden. We are a major power with huge banks that dominate the world. We can't nationalize them. But that is what the professor wanted. Give me tenure or give me death." - Cramer, speaking about Paul Krugman and Nouriel Roubini, one of whom has one more Nobel Prize than Jim Cramer will ever have, and one of whom has more correct economic predictions than Jim Cramer will ever have. Goddamn. Usually insecure bald guys with tiny penises settle for sports cars and trophy wives, but apparently Cramer is even more insecure than he looks.

"Because Prejean IS a dumb bitch." - Me, three days ago.

"My comments defending traditional marriage have led to intimidation tactics that seek to undermine my reputation and somehow silence me and my beliefs, as if opinion is only a one-way street... Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid website that openly mocks me for my Christian faith... There are no other photos of me. This was the only one I took." - Prejean, two days ago.

Oh, where to begin? First of all, get over yourself. You're a beauty pageant runner up. If there are pictures of you out there wearing nothing but pink panties, people aren't releasing them because you hate gay people. People are releasing them because the entirety of your notoriety is due to people staring at your nearly-naked body, which is why you got paid as an underage model to strip down and show some pre-surgery underboob.

But it's not just her current breasts that are bearing false witness. Turns out that when you apply for the beauty pageant, you have to affirm that there aren't any embarrassing pictures floating around of your tits. You know, like the embarrassing picture that was floating around of her tits. And then, after the picture came out, she said "This was the only one I took", which was immediately followed by, you guessed it, the second picture, and the promise of at least a third. Whoops. Shame there aren't brain implants the pageant could have paid for.

Those were good calls, but in the interest of fairness, I must also admit to a failure of imagination on my part:

"...a fame which he milks to this day, getting asked about things he knows nothing about as a spokesman for the modern Republican Party." - Me, two days ago, about our good friend Samuel Owns-No-Pipe-Wrench.

"Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, tells TIME he's so outraged by GOP overspending, he's quitting the party -- and he's the bull's-eye of its target audience. But he also said he wouldn't support any cuts in defense, Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid -- which, along with debt payments, would put more than two-thirds of the budget off limits." - TIME Magazine, yesterday.

In my wildest dreams, I never could have imagined that the Republican Party would not be good enough for Sam Wurzelbacher. Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that Sammy isn't concerned about GOP overspending, he's concerned about GOP underspending - on appearance fees for Wurzelbacher. Which means his only shots at making ends meet are either building up his libertarian militia bona-fides, or cut off his foot with a hacksaw and collect Social Security, which he now doesn't want to cut despite saying back in October that "Social Security is a joke. I never believed in, don't like it."

The small, idealistic child inside me wants to believe that his defection from the GOP means that this is the last we'll hear of him and his non-Joe, non-plumbing ways, but the part of me that likes being right a month down the road knows better.