Archive - May 2009

May 1st

The First Thirteen Hundred Days

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Memo to the readership: IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN!

Before we begin the festivities, a quick update to yesterday's column. Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-Screaming Bitch-Viper) said that her statement from yesterday was a "poor choice of words". Other recent poor choices of words include Bernie Madoff telling people they'd earn 10% on their investments, that creepy guy telling little girls there's candy in his van, and Auschwitz guards' repeated insistence that yes, this was just a shower.

And on that charming note, it's time for the column's annual ritual. As always, the Friday closest to May 1 is Tell Someone About You Are Dumb Day. Five days most weeks, 52 weeks most years, I provide, gratis, a few hundred words of well-formed rage, tuned bile, and dick jokes. And all I ask in return is that this one day each year, if you like the site, you spread its fame. Find people who may not have heard of it, and let them know it exists. Find people who may have ignored you when you told them how awesome it was, and badger them until they submit. Explain to them that while fourteen hundred people a day can in fact be wrong, in this case, they aren't.

At this point, some of you reading this have followed links from loyal minions moved to action by the paragraph above. Hi. It's an exciting time here at You Are Dumb Dot Net. Some people worried that the election of Barack Obama would signal a seismic shift in this country toward reason and rationality, but I'm happy to report that the exact opposite has happened. Texas is ready to secede under the junta of Glenn Beck, Chuck Norris, and Rick Perry. The tea bags are flying. The Wingnut Revolution has entered its third phase - Talking About It Even More. Society crumbles around our ankles, but we still have fingers for pointing and larynxes for laughing.

And that's really what I do here. I point and I laugh. I laugh because stupid people are funny, and I point so that you all know what the fuck I'm laughing at. Fuck upping the level of discourse right up its discarse. The middle ground is for indecisive milquetoasts. There are people in this world who say and do things that should get them kicked in the junk, and since I can't do that, I do this instead.

As is traditional, here are links to columns of note from the last year. This year, I'm doing something a bit different - these are the twelve most linked-to columns from the last twelve months. In a rare moment of graciousness, I'm supplanting my own judgment with the will of the Internet masses. May your nonexistent God have nonexistent mercy on our nonexistent souls.

Sarah Palin Bingo: There were many accidental imitators with their own domain names, but mine kicks their asses. Why? Because I went the extra mile and found ways to start all of the bullshit from Sarah Palin's first few weeks on the national stage with the five letters of her last name. Suck on it, Internet.

Rule One: Don't Give Money To Assholes: Like an intellectually honest Rick Santelli, my plain-speaking explanations of the global financial crisis apparently struck a populist chord.

The Best Of The Worst Of The Jibba Jabba (Waved): I'm glad the masses liked this, because the National T Party I held all week in "honor" of the National Tea Parties was one of my personal high points of the year. This one has signs.

Dirk Benedict is Fucking Insane: The fact that Big-Haired Starbuck's case of testosterone poisoning ended up being several years old didn't diminish this column's popularity, or my joy in writing it.

Pitchforks and Guillotines: Speaking of populist chords, this is where I first laid out my views on the financial crisis. Less popular than the one with the word "Assholes" in the title, though.

Pay Up Or Shut Up: America's churches protested the tradeoff between their tax-free status and limitations on their political participation. I sort of agree.

Not Enough Harm: A local story - cops shoot up house in raid, homeowner shoots back, house was completely wrong fucking house, officers get medals for bravery.

Activate God Power: In the latest separate but sadly not even equal attempt to give Christian Pop Culture street cred, a company makes a Guitar Hero clone full of Christian rock. Worse than it sounds.

Well, God-lee!: Christian soldiers hand out proselytizing coins at Iraqi security checkpoints to Muslim drivers. In contention for a bronze medal for stupidest things about the Iraq War, although obviously the Iraq War has the gold sewn up.

Your Guide To Identity Politics (Standard Edition): Remember all those racist white Democrats who supported Hillary in the primary because they hated black people? Man, they must be fucking miserable right now.

Outrage... Diminishing...: In which I fail to maintain my anger-boner in the face of a daunting series of pesky facts.

I've Heard Of Buddha Flies...: Combining two of the things I hate most in this world. Religious fervor and wasps. Gah. Still creeps me out.

Trail of Fears: This survey of the top political concerns of fundamentalists seems almost quaint, now. Socialism didn't even crack the top ten.

To my loyal audience, thanks for spreading the word. There's still a bit of time left to grab that "I was reading it before it was cool" status. For those of you who just got here, welcome. Hope you like it, because it ain't gonna turn into This American Life anytime soon.