Archive - Jun 15, 2009

With Your Bailiff, Paul Shaffer

« June 2009 »
SuMoTuWeThFrSa
6
7
13
14
15
16
20
21
23
27
28

Memo to David Letterman: CONSIDER YOURSELF SUBPOENAED.

Been a while since one of these was necessary, but as you know, whenever a comedy bit blows up into a large controversy, You Are Dumb Dot Net has an established method for arbitrating said controversy. And so I find myself reluctantly and dejectedly opening up the summer session of Comedy Court.

THE DEFENDANT: David "Skullhead" Letterman, host of The Late Show, storied gap-toothed interviewer, stalkee, and flinger of pencils.

THE CRIME: Being a sexist pig; joking about the rape of a 14-year-old girl.

EXHIBIT A:

"Bought makeup from Bloomingdale's to update her "slutty flight attendant" look." - Item number two on the Top Ten list about what Sarah Palin did during her New York trip.

EXHIBIT B:

"One awkward moment though during the game, maybe you heard about it, maybe you saw it on one of the highlight reels. One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked-up by Alex Rodriguez."

THE VERDICT: - Not guilty.

Prosecution argued that Exhibit B was a reference to Willow Palin, the fourteen-year-old daughter of the Palin clan, who was the only daughter at the baseball game in New York. And since knocking up a 14-year-old requires having sex with her, and since having sex with her is statutory rape, David Letterman was making a rape joke. The Court rejects this argument due to the fact that Bristol Palin exists, Bristol Palin became famous for getting pregnant while an unmarried teen, and Bristol Palin has since gone on to prominently promote the same kind of abstinence that got her preggers.

Therefore, the Court rules that the joke was in fact about Bristol Palin, and not only that, but that this joke sets precedent. Any joke about a pregnant Palin daughter shall be understood to be about Bristol Palin until such time as other Palin daughters, having received the same stellar education and moral values of their sister, also end up pregnant. Furthermore, the Court rules that the Palin clan needs to henceforth stop going onto cable news and bitching and moaning about David Letterman, Rape Enabler. I know you're happy that people are saying your name again, but enough is enough.

Prosecution has also argued that, by calling her a "slutty flight attendant", David Letterman is judging Sarah Palin, an accomplished and erudite politician, based solely on her appearance, which was never played up on during her campaign or amplified with tens of thousands of dollars in campaign-supplied wardrobe. Prosecution's case ignores an important key fact - Sarah Palin does, in the view of this Court, rock a look that could be described as "Slutty Flight Attendant". A slutty flight attendant look starts with a slutty librarian look, but adds vaguely uniformy elements like gold buttons and subtracts the slutty librarian's interest in books and research.

In ruling for the defendant, Comedy Court would like to stress that it is not ruling on the appropriateness or niceness of the joke, as appropriateness and niceness have no place in the judging of comedy. The jokes made logical sense, and were also fair, both on their own merits and under the Fuck Sarah Palin And The Very Stupid Horse She Rode In On Act of 2008. Court adjourned.