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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Jun 17, 2009
Memo to Goforth, DePass, de Nugent, and Buchanan: I AM CRUSHING YOU.
In a turn of events that startles nobody, except maybe Pat Buchanan, the election of America's first black president has opened up a lot of old, festering racial wounds in this country. And for the most part, that's a good thing. Yes, sometimes, when festering wounds open up, an octogenarian white supremacist snaps and kills a security guard, but from a broader societal standpoint, it's good to root these fuckers out and crush them when they expose themselves. Usually by SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS.
"I went on the wrong email and I inadvertently hit the wrong button. I’m very sick about it, and it’s one of those things I can’t change or take back." - Sherri Goforth, the legislative aid for a Tennessee state senator, as reported by Nashville Is Talking.
This is the kind of apology that demands a certain amount of context. By "went on the wrong e-mail", Goforth apparently means "typed a list of her co-workers into the To: field". And by "inadvertently hit the wrong button", she meant the button that went out on the Internet, found a picture of all 44 Presidents, replaced Barack Obama's portrait with a pair of white bug-eyes on a solid black background, and attached that picture to the e-mail. I can't do that with my e-mail at work, but to be fair, we don't have Lotus Notes 8.
And hey, look, it's Tennessee again. What were the odds? Significantly better than one in fifty, that's for damn sure. It never ceases to amaze me how America's pigfuckers immediately go to decades-old stereotypes when it comes time for them to hate on Obama, but I guess that's why they're FUCKING RACISTS.
"I am as sorry as I can be if I offended anyone. The comment was clearly in jest. The comment was hers, not mine." - Rusty DePass, Republican activist from South Carolina.
Another apology, and more context... in a moment. What's with these names? Sherri Goforth? Rusty DePass? If the third quote ends up being from Lynchy Joe Crossburn, you're all going to think I'm making this shit up. And I'm not. This guy is really named Rusty DePass, and he really did make this half-assed apology for calling an escaped zoo gorilla "one of Michelle's ancestors", the Michelle in question being the Michelle you think it is.
What puzzles the living shit out of me about this apology is not the boilerplate "if I offended anyone", nor the bog-standard "it was a joke", but that last bit. Does he think Michelle Obama is going around telling people she's a gorilla? Or, being from South Carolina, is he a creationist pigfucker in addition to being a racist pigfucker, and assumes that anyone who believes in evolution doesn't get to complain when you call them a monkey?
Either way, that's some serious bullshit, Bullshit compounded by the fact that I don't recall Michelle Obama ever even taking a stand on evolution. Sure, we can make certain assumptions, based on her political leanings and her demonstrated lack of idiocy, that she's not a creationist, but she's not Richard Dawkins. Hell, she's not even Richard Dawson. Plus, that ain't how man and apes are related anyway, but I'm guessing scientific rigor isn't Rusty's strong suit. Or even his second strongest suit, you know, after hating black people.
"The responsible white separatist community condemns this. It makes us look bad." - John de Nugent*, on the murder at the Holocaust Museum.
I would love to know who the hell is in charge of drawing the line between the responsible white separatist community and the irresponsible white separatist community. I bet that guy needs a T-square, a mechanical pencil, and really, really good eyesight.
"Thus, Sotomayor got into Princeton, got her No. 1 ranking, was whisked into Yale Law School and made editor of the Yale Law Review — all because she was a Hispanic woman... One prefers the old bigotry. At least it was honest, and not, as Abraham Lincoln observed, adulterated “with the base alloy of hypocrisy." - Pat Buchanan, on MSNBC, citing Abraham Lincoln in his defense of bigotry. I shit you not.
I really don't give Pat Buchanan enough attention on You Are Dumb Dot Net. He really is a horrible human being. A waste of space, using up precious oxygen so that he can say stupid shit like this to a national audience. He's a dinosaur, a relic of a bygone era where "the old bigotry" got you invited to the best parties, and what Buchanan laughably sees as the "new bigotry" wasn't even an option for minorities. Fuck Pat Buchanan, and get him and his Lincoln-quoting old bigoted ass off of my television.
*OK, maybe racism stems from a deep-seated resentment of one's own ridiculous name. Which means today's celebrities might be breeding tomorrow's Klan.