Archive - Jun 19, 2009

The Hand That Feeds You

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Memo to the audience: THERE'S MORE OF ME TO GO AROUND.

I know, I know. YOu were hoping for some insightful commentary on modern idiocy. Or, barring that, at least a Spastic Topic Monkey Friday. But you won't get that, because today is about blatant self-promotion. Apparently, running a one-man war on stupidity doesn't eat up enough of my free time, so I'm expanding my Internet micro-empire with a new site, Forkbastard.

Forkbastard is a food blog. What, you say? Has Bryan gone insane? Did he just use the dreadeed b-word? Yes, he did. The reason I'm so emphatic that You Are Dumb is not a blog because it isn't one. I know what a blog looks like, and what it does, and this ain't it. Forkbastard is most definitely it. I'm basically breaking every single rule I espouse here for a pleasant, old-school Internet experience. Why? To see what happens. Here are some key ways that Forkbastard is NOT You Are Dumb.

POSTING SCHEDULE: Like a blog. Whenever I feel like it, whenever I can. As short or as long as is necessary to get the point across. Because it's a food blog, by necessity you will learn more about my life than you do in these pages. Don't let that discourage you too much.

COMMENTS: As of Launch Day, Forkbastard has open comments on every post. It even allows anonymous comments. This will lead to one of two things - either the blog will not be terribly popular, and I won't have to do anything, or the blog will attract the kind of people who surf the Internet and force bloggers to do moderation queues, then turn off anonymous comments, then heavily moderate their registered user comments. But that's pessimism for the future. Today is about optimism for the now.

TWITTER: I KNOW. But right now, if I'm in a restaurant, and I have a Wi-Fi signal, jotting off a quick note via Twitter is the quickest way to both jot a note for myself and give anyone following it an idea as to what's going on between posts. And since I'm not trying to communicate much, the 140 character limit doesn't come into play the way it would if I used Twitter for any other purpose. Also: breaking ALL my rules.

ADS: - Forkbastard has Google Ads. It's an experiment. I don't know how much they bring in or how big my audience there will eventually be, but if I can even partially defray the cost of hosting two sites (even given my host's eminently reasonable rates), that's a good thing. If more money than that manages to come in, then certain hardware upgrades to improve the overall foodblogging experience might be in order.

How will Forkbastard be like You Are Dumb? Well, I'll be writing it. Which means if you like the way I think, and the way I turn a phrase, you'll like Forkbastard. Unless you're completely uninterested in food, of course. It will cut a wide swath through the food world, from my own cooking, Minneapolis restaurants, junk food, and, in what I'm sure will be an important recurring theme, why Guy Fiere is such a fucking whore. Oh, and since I'm writing it, Forkbastard will likely have the most f-bombs of any food blog not ghost-written for Gordon Ramsay.

I know what some of you are thinking. No, I am not bored with You Are Dumb. This isn't gonna be one of those web things where a creator gets an itch to grow artistically and abandons the old gray project in favor of the new shiny reddish-orange one. I'll be doing YAD as long as I have something to say and I can still get to the keyboard, and I'll always have something to say. As hard as this may be to believe, I have even more to say than I can fit here.

So visit Forkbastard. Throw it on your RSS reader. Tell your politics-hating, food-loving friends about this exciting new entry into the culinary Web 2.0. Go back and read yesterday's column and see how many in-jokes about Forkbastard you can find. And, what the fuck. Sign up and leave some comments over there if you feel like it. We'll see what happens.