Archive - Jun 5, 2009

The Whitest White Flag

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Memo to Tim Pawlenty, Norm Coleman, and James Dobson: NEVER NEVER SURRENDER.

There is something strangely comforting about a demoralized, hopeless conservative. I mean, sure, it's wrong to kick a puppy when it's down, but what if you knew that puppy was going to grow up to be Cujo? You'd kick it then, wouldn't you? You'd be crazy not to. So I thought I'd spend some time celebrating Republicans who are just giving up in a special edition of SPASTIC TOPIC SURRENDER MONKEY FRIDAY!

Our first big quitter is your friend and mine, as long as you and I both live in Minnesota and make a lot of money, Governor Tim "TIMMEH" Pawlenty, who announced this week he would not seek a third term, but would instead spend time preparing for his show on Fox News. OK, technically, he didn't announce that last bit, but that's what's gonna happen. Enjoy the logic.

Timmeh has spent eight years giving lip service to anti-tax zealot Grover Norquist. And by lip service, I mean long, loving, political blowjobs. Clearly, Timmeh's latest tongue flourish, his plan to use the line-item veto to single-handedly cut billions from the state budget at the expense of the poor, infirm, and elderly, must have finally given Norquist the sweet sweet (tax) relief he craves, and he gave Timmeh his blessing to seek higher office.

Everyone knows what that means. Timmeh's running for president in 2012. Pawlenty being Pawlenty, he'll end up in the middle of the primary pack, and he'll probably end up as Mitt Romney's vice presidential pick or some shit. If he does get the nomination, it'll only be as a sacrificial lamb they throw at Obama if our current President pulls off a successful first term. Either way, he'll be a Republican politician, without a current office, who just lost a major election. Which means an hour a day on Fox News, or a career move that will from henceforth be known as "pulling a Huckabee".

Next up is another Minnesota politician near and dear to my heart, Norm Coleman. When last we saw Dr. Teeth, he was fending off Al Franken with one hand and the FBI with the other. But he can't keep that up forever, and reports from the usual sources indicate that Norm will not press his case past the Minnesota Supreme Court when/if he loses there. One look at the "leak" shows what's going on here. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Coleman is said to view his case as a matter of fairness based on Minnesota election law, which is expansive. The Republican is said to believe so strongly that he is in the right -- and that the results so far have resulted in the disenfranchisement of millions of Minnesota voters -- that he was willing to risk his political standing over the long term in order to see it through." - Roll Call, citing "sources".

That's a shameless fucking attempt at historical previsionism if ever I saw one. Everyone knows Coleman's legal fight was about one thing and one thing only - political hardball and keeping the Dems from 60 for as long as possible. Everyone suspected that would continue past the Minnesota ruling. By quitting before that, Coleman wants to recast his fight as a principled stand instead of a shameless delaying tactic on behalf of his Republican overlords. The only thing sadder than the attempt is its likelihood of success, because Republicans get lots of free second chances in America. Still, shameless ploy or not, I think we can all take pleasure in the eventual Coleman concession speech. Not for its content, but for its mere existence.

And finally, we have a white flag flown last month and largely ignored by me until it conveniently fit a theme. In mid-May, James Dobson went on his radio show, and, discussing the hate-crimes legislation in his usual even-handed matter, said the following:

"I want to tell you up front that we're not going to ask you to do anything, to make a phone call or to write a letter or anything. There is nothing you can do at this time about what is taking place because there is simply no limit to what the left can do at this time. Anything they want, they get and so we can't stop them. We tried with [Health and Human Services Secretary] Kathleen Sebelius and sent thousands of phone calls and emails to the Senate and they didn't pay any attention to it because they don't have to. And so what you can do is pray, pray for this great nation... As I see it, there is no other answer. There's no other answer, short term."

OK, everyone, this is important. Whatever you do, if you think there's a chance in hell it'll get back to Dobson, DON'T SAY ANYTHING. The man is chock-full of harmful delusions about all-powerful forces. This is the first time in history that he's had a beneficial one. Sure, there are plenty of limits to what "the left" can do at this time. If the left got everything we wanted, Guantanamo would be closed, the troops would be home, we'd all be enjoying single-payer health care, and Sean Hannity would be asking me which dipping sauce I want with my taquitos.

But James Dobson doesn't need to do that, because apparently James Dobson is going to spend all his time praying and none of his time fucking around with our lives. Sure, he's probably lying about that part, but there's still no need to educate him. He rejects facts like they were transplanted gay kidneys anyway. Let's let sleeping gods lie.