Archive - Jul 16, 2009

Daughter, Rhymes With Laughter

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Memo to Liz Cheney and cable news: KINDLY FUCK RIGHT OFF.

Why is Dick Cheney's straight, crazy daughter always on the goddamned television? Someone needs to explain this to me, and pronto. Ever since Cheney left office, every single revelation about the further crimes and misdeeds of the Bush administration has brought with it a barrage of interviews, on all the cable news channels, with Liz Cheney defending her father.

This is ridiculous, of course. Liz Cheney wasn't a member of the Bush administration. She wasn't involved in the decision-making process... I hope. In fact, if Dick Cheney told her about most of the things she's defending, that's just one more reason Dick Cheney should rot in prison until his cold, black heart finally stops pumping ichor.

Does MSNBC call Barbara and Jenna to discuss the Bush tax cuts? No, they do not. Did Chelsea Clinton go on Meet The Press and tell us all that there was nothing to this Whitewater bullshit? No, she did not. And you know why? Because until a bunch of us vote for them, family members don't count for jack. So why Liz Cheney? And no, her stupid nepotistic minor patronage job in the State Department doesn't fucking count.

I have a theory, of course. On the Cheney side, I'm guessing that Liz Cheney is the last person willing to defend Dick Cheney who isn't Dick Cheney. I mean, yeah, there are still a few crazies out there willing to defend the Bush-Cheney policies, but when it comes to the twisted old fuck himself, only his daughter will leap to his defense. And only his bugfuck one at that.

The latest outrage to balance precariously atop the Cheney Pile O' Evil is a mysterious intelligence program, initiated shortly after 9/11. Nobody knows what it is, because they didn't tell -anyone- about it. Which is illegal, no matter what Liz Cheney says. Right now, the best odds are on this being Dick Cheney's secret assassination squads that Seymour Hersh reported on back in March. And if it's not that, it's something even worse.

This, of course, is another one of those things that we simply cannot investigate, because we're looking forward, not backward, and we don't want to politicize national security. Plus we have Liz Cheney to tell us everything's fine. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"But I think that it's important for us all to sort of take a step back here and look at what's going on. This appears to have been a series of plans to capture or kill Al Qaeda. And for the Democrats to have used that now, you know, to politicize it, for the speaker of the House of Representatives to be talking about investigations, really, you know, sort of trying it looks like to cover up the difficulties she's in because of her own press conference, strikes me as just incred -- excuse me -- incredibly irresponsible. And I think that the American people really do have a serious question to ask and are beginning to wonder, you know, are the Democrats up to handling national security issues." - Liz Cheney, on Morning Joe.

Six months from now, when someone finally discovers that "retreated to an undisclosed location" was actually an Appalachian Trail-style euphemism for ass-raping bunny rabbits in an underground bunker, Liz Cheney will be on CNN, or Fox, insisting once again that somehow, her father's penchant for bunny butt is what kept the terrorists from attacking us for seven years. And everyone will nod, smile, and agree that we don't dare investigate the pile of split-open bunny corpses in a mass grave behind the Naval Observatory, because that would be uncivil and disruptive.

But it still won't make any goddamned sense. Even in the debased news culture of 2009, treating Liz Cheney as a reliable and trustworthy advisor on the question of whether to open a criminal investigation of her own father? That's what's incredibly irresponsible.