Archive - Jul 2, 2009
Kern Und Drang
2 July, 2009 - 19:41 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to America's Homosexuals: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN'T DO?
First, terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and we learned, through careful study and much forensics, that it was actually the fault of the homosexuals for achieving just enough tolerance that, as Pennsylvania state senator John Eichelberger, put it last week, "We're allowing them to exist". Which angered God, who phoned Allah, who whispered in the ears of some Saudi Arabians, who hijacked some planes.
Then, New Orleans went underwater. A few out-there kooks posited that perhaps severe hurricanes like Katrina were the result of mankind pumping millions of tons of carbon dioxide into the air, but those people were justly marginalized. And were probably secretly embarrassed after America's leading theological lights discovered the real cause. New Orleans occasionally celebrates homosexuals, which angered God, who phoned Poseidon, who swam around in a circle really really fast, causing Hurricane Katrina to appear above the Gulf of Mexico, aimed straight at Louisiana's Queer Central.
But we didn't learn. A number of states legalized gay marriage. Other states continued to allow them to exist. And so God decided to hit us where it REALLY hurt. Our wallets. He went back in time, because he can, because he's God. And he called up his buddies on Wall Street. Well, not exactly buddies, but I know they all move in the same circles, because I've watched the Republican National Convention. Anyway, he told them all to issue a bunch of iffy mortgages, then bundle and sell and resell the same mortgages, taking cuts off the top each time, and then God timed the whole thing so that the house of cards would collapse at the precise moment when wise men and women could divine, if you'll pardon the usage, its true purpose.
I know what you're thinking, gentle reader. You're thinking you've read these sarcastic flights of fancy before. And you're wondering which batshit-insane asshole actually went and blamed the economic collapse on the gays and the general American immorality? Because we all know one did.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Sally Kern, whose last name is a synonym for how close two letters can get to each other before they start fucking, and who has won the classic Trifecta Of Stupid - she's a Republican, a state representative, and from Oklahoma. Sally Kern has introduced the I Shit You Not Act of 2009, whose more formal legislative name is the "Oklahoma Citizen's Proclamation for Morality". ACTUAL PROCLAMATION TIME!
WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis; and
WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion, pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery; and
WHEREAS, alarmed that the Government of the United States of America is forsaking the rich Christian heritage upon which this nation was built; and
WHEREAS, grieved that the Office of the president of these United States has refused to uphold the long held tradition of past presidents in giving recognition to our National Day of Prayer; and
WHEREAS, deeply disturbed that the Office of the president of these United States disregards the biblical admonitions to live clean and pure lives by proclaiming an entire month to an immoral behavior...
There's a lot more whereasing, but it's almost entirely a list of historical quotes about why America is a Christian nation, which I believe marks the first time something your Jesus-freak aunt sent in an e-mail chain has been placed before a state legislature. Frankly, I think that's space that could have been better spent detailing the "many other forms of debauchery" that are currently left to the imagination.
So after all the "whereasing" and listing how we've lost our moral wallet, abandoned our rich Christians... er, our rich Christian heritage, and that's why nobody has any money anymore, what does this proclamation call for? Surprisingly little, given its clearly psychotic tone. ACTUAL BE IT RESOLVED TIME!
"BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, believers in the One True God and His only Son, call upon all to join with us in recognizing that “Blessed is the Nation whose God is the Lord,” and humbly implore all who love Truth and Virtue to live above reproach in the sight of God and man with a firm reliance on the leadership and protection of Almighty God; and BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon Holy God, our Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer, to have mercy on this nation, to stay His hand of judgment, and grant a national awakening of righteousness and Christian renewal as we repent of our great sin."
Ah, Oklahoma. Where "separation of church and state" is interpreted to mean that church and state can do whatever they want, as long as they do it through a hole in the sheet. You know what my favorite part about this proclamation is, though? Through sheer accident, they ALMOST got it right. Because the financial crisis was caused by violating God's law. Well, in much the same way that trichinosis is "caused" by not keeping kosher.
For example, there's God's law against usury, violated in increasingly creative ways by hedge fund managers and credit card companies. There's the admonition of the sin of greed. And there's that bit where I think Jesus kindly asks a bunch of rich people to stop building that giant needle with the huge eye, because that's not what he fucking meant. The Bible's a work of fiction, yes, but it's not completely devoid of cause and effect. But idiots like Kern never seem to get either the cause or the effect right.