Archive - Jul 20, 2009

Maybe 140 Is Too Much?

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Under normal circumstances, I would not bother with Tila Tequila. She exists on a plane of dumb that is content to go about its business, being stupid, without actually interacting with the real world at all except at the real world's discretion. Sure, she shamelessly self-promoted her way into a pair of MTV reality shows, but if I gave a shit about every stupid person with an MTV reality show, this'd be a completely different column. And if I included morons from VH1 shows, I'd have to write two columns a day.

I mean, hell, Ms. Tequila couldn't even parlay her two seasons of "A Shot At Love" into anything resembling a career. Apparently, putting her on TV is like a Tila Tequila vaccine - small doses of her make the public immune to wanting to see more of her. If scientists could isolate that biological factor and recreate it in the lab, maybe we could find a cure for the dreaded Blank Of Love virus, but I will settle for the American public's rejection of her and all she stands for. Or I -would- settle for it, if it didn't leave Ms. Tequila* with a shitload of free time. And if she hadn't apparently devoted that entire shitload to her new friend, Twitter.

It's not surprising that Tila Tequila uses Twitter. Thanks to the Twitter explosion, celebrities can receive maximum attention for minimum effort. It's like "Shot Of Love", only without having to wake up and show up to the set on-time and half-sober. No, what's surprising is what she's been using it FOR. I mean, sure, there's a lot of the laughable stuff you'd expect, like this tweet from seven minutes ago as I write this**. ACTUAL TWEET TIME!

"Yall trippin! We R all Gods children, N his love is unconditional. Im Gods Ride or Die Chick. Thats Y when he created me he made me fearless"

See what I mean? Yes, only a self-deluded idiot would tweet something like this. But we all knew Tila Tequila was a self-deluded idiot. It's a non-issue. It's Dog Bites Man, Gives Man Herpes. No, if we're going to make fun of Tila Tequila tweets, we're going to need something a hell of a lot crazier than her thinking Jehovah would let her anywhere near his motorcycle, at least without an antibacterial seat cover.

"it's crazy what people who control powerful websites can do! Like during the presidential campaign, myspace blocked all my bulletins to vote

Hm. That is interesting. I will admit I was really curious why, around election time last year, nobody was reporting on Tila Tequila's MySpace voting campaign. And now I know why. The Man (and, in deference to her alleged bisexuality, The Woman) were keeping her down. Apparently this thought seeded a brainstorm in the vast, low-pressure center of Tequila's skull, because over the next three to four hours, she let us all know her thoughts about who really controls things in America:

"I just think it's NOT's almost like PROPAGANDA! It's fucked up! U think u have freedom but theres always someone controlling you... Like did you guys know that they BANNED me in CHINA??? They blocked my myspace page and people cant search for me online! Scary huh?... China is a Communist Country! IT IS A SCARY PLACE TO BE LIVING UNDER COMMUNISM! It's fucked up! People dont have freedom to do anything!... Let's PRAY they dont start doing that in AMERICA! Imagine doin a google search for something and nothing comes up but butterflies N unicorns."

At this point, by the way, Bing executives started working on a new commercial, and they aren't even going to credit Tila with the idea, which just points out the flaws in giving away all your awesome ideas away for free on Twitter. Also, I'm guessing that Ms. Tequila got caught up in the general net censorship in China, rather than the Chinese authorities specifically saying "We cannot let the people be free to ogle American bisexual famewhores! BLOCK THAT MYSPACE PAGE! But even now, we're only scratching the surface of paranoid thought.

And like any good reality show (or any bad one, for that matter), I'm going to leave you wondering what I could possibly mean, and promise to reveal all in the next astonishing installment of "A Shot At Reality With Tila Tequila". Will Tila find true truth as she wades through an array of skanky poseurs masquerading as secrets THEY don't want you to know? Probably not. But tune in tomorrow to laugh at her anyway.

*Yes, I am enjoying how ludicrous that construction sounds, why do you ask?

**Enterprising readers can uses this information to triangulate how I spent my weekend, on the off chance you have even MORE free time than Ms. Tequila* does.