Archive - Jul 3, 2009
Shooting My Rockets All Over The Place
3 July, 2009 - 19:08 — Bryan Lambert
Since we live in a time of extreme political craziness, sometimes I almost forget there are other types of craziness out there. Like the entertainment industry, providing mockable products since The Bible reached the top of the fiction best seller lists. So join me in a rapid-fire review of recent ridiculous entertainment news on SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!
Joss Whedon acolyte Tim Minear has announced his plans to create a modern, updated "Alien Nation" TV series for the Sci Fi Channel, aka "SyFy". The original Alien Nation series featured a cop named Sikes, played by conservative douchebag and Big Hollywood contributor Gary Graham, whose fellow Big Hollywood contributor, Dirk Benedict, got his wang bent out of shape when his character got turned into a woman in the recent Battlestar Galactica revamp. This leads to only one logical conclusion. Tim Minear MUST turn the Alien Nation cop into a woman.
But not just any woman. Let's really give Graham a fucking coronary. Let's make her a black woman. No, a black lesbian woman. No, a black, lesbian, liberal woman. In fact, fuck it, the cop's named Sikes, so Tim, do this for me. Just cast Wanda Sykes as the lead cop in your Alien Nation remake. I'm sure you can make the part work for her, and his subsequent meltdown will entertain the world until the show makes it to air.
Meanwhile, there are reports out of Hollywood that the, I shit you not, three-studio bidding war for the movie rights to Asteroids has been won by Universal. Yes, Asteroids. The video game. Little stick figure asteroids. Triangular ship. Hyperspace button. Produced by the guy who's at least partially responsible for this summer's GI Joe movie, and written by the guy who's at least partially responsible for this spring's Witch Mountain movie.
As a gamer who actually played Asteroids when it was new in arcades, the news stories and Internet snark surrounding this momentous event leave much to be desired. For example, did Universal buy the rights to just Asteroids, or did they buy the rights to the Asteroids franchise? Will the movie be permitted to use the shields from Deluxe Asteroids? The three ship forms and crystals of Blasteroids? Who am I kidding; this is Hollywood. They'll probably just ditch all of Asteroids' rich mythology and just make the lead actor have unresolved issues with his father, who will inevitably be played by Jon Voight.
And finally, since it's inescapable, you may have noticed that Michael Jackson is dead. And while this is not strictly pure entertainment news, I would like to share with you the single most ridiculous headline I've seen in regards to Jackson's demise and its related issues. ACTUAL HEADLINE TIME!
"OBAMA LETTER TO JACKSON FAMILY - Too Little Or Too Late?"
Um, excuse me? We've got two wars, an economic meltdown, a collapsing health care system, and a melting planet going on. The Jackson family is lucky Obama even NOTICED. Anyway, who are the experts who determined what the adequate response would be for a sitting United States President upon the death of a very popular musician who also happened to be a reclusive freakjob? Oh, right, the "experts" at the Post-Chronicle, which isn't even a newspaper, it's that right-wing news website made up to look like a newspaper that inexplicably gets included in my Huffington Post newsfeed.
Apparently, the Post Chronicle has an entire "appropriate response to tragedy by liberals" beat, because the last time these fucktards graced these pages was when they slammed Google for honoring Tetris over D-Day. And now Obama was both too "slow" and too "informal" in his reaction to Jackson's death. For evidence of this, they link to a Politico article (always a bad idea) which doesn't provide any evidence. Oh, Some Are Saying, is there any news story you can't be used to invent?
In other news, some are saying that the Asteroids movie is at least guaranteed to be better than Transformers: Rise Of The Fallen.