Archive - Jul 2009

July 22nd

Talking Shit

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Memo to Wingnut Revolutionaries: STILL NOTHING YET, PUSSIES?

We're past the six-month mark, assholes. Six months of what you've laughably labeled the greatest tyranny in American history. The hate crime bill is about to take away freedom of religion AND freedom of speech, the health care reform bill is about to push your grandmother down a fucking well, and what's worse, they're going to tax rich people (with whom you empathize even though you're not among them) for the privilege.

And on top of that, they haven't gotten around to taking away your guns yet. You've been buying them in record numbers. You've had two rounds of inflammatory Tea Parties, even if you scheduled the second one on a day when everyone had plans and only a few deeply disturbed people showed up. Dear lord, you even have Republicans praising the military overthrow of the Honduran president, wink wink! By all accounts, every last one of you big-mouthed bassholes should have evicted Obama from the White House thanks to the Second Amendment memorial arsenal you keep in your tool sheds. So what the fuck are you waiting for?

Someone less charitable than I would call you a bunch of lily-livered, fat-assed, couch-ridden revolutionaries, all waiting patiently behind your keyboards for someone else, goaded by your words, to do your dirty work for you. Luckily, I am a charitable and insightful man, and I realize your true dilemma. You are waiting to heed the call of a truly charismatic leader who will jumpstart your sputtering revolt.

It's a well-known fact that the party of "personal responsibility" and "rugged individualism" cannot do a single goddamned thing on their own without following someone else's lead. Who mastered the "talking point", where one person tells a thousand people what to say, and they all do it, without question? Republicans. Who listens to Bill Kristol for no comprehensible reason? Republicans. Clearly, you need your William Wallace, your movie-version Ronald Reagan, your whoever led the Wolverines in Red Dawn, to ride up, grab you by the scrotum, and haul your lazy asses into action. The good news is, there are two candidates vying for that role. The bad news is, the two candidates vying for that role.

The first is Jim DeMint, senator from South Carolina, known fuckwit and proven nutjob. Being from South Carolina, he knows a little about rebelling against his government. However, being from South Carolina, he has to be careful not to confuse that with running away from his government to fuck his secret Argentinian mistress. He sort of looks the part - while he isn't what you'd call "rugged" by any stretch of the imagination, neither is he an dumpy old Southern coot. Here's his audition tape: ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If we're able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."

That's very macho. Seriously, if I wanted to cool down a soup I would then never ever want to eat again, I could put it in the path of the breeze generated by his furious dickwaving here. I mean, he's even trying to pull an Ivan Drago, proving that Republican obsession with Obama continues to make the strangest Republican bedfellows - a Central American junta last month, and a fictional 'roided-up Communist today.

Unfortunately, DeMint mentioned "Waterloo". Sure, he PROBABLY meant the place where Napoleon met his defeat, but there's at least a 50/50 chance he meant the ABBA song, which means there's at least a 50/50 chance DeMint is gay. And since he's from South Carolina, if he's gay, he's probably fucking a gaucho. And I'll tell you this, if the Wingnut Revolution ever actually takes place (HA) and succeeds (QUADRUPLE HA), I don't care how much they support tax cuts for the rich - gay Republicans are going into the camps with the rest of 'em, Log Cabin or no Log Cabin.

Do we have another contender? Why, yes we do.

"What we need to decide here and now is not only what is worth living for, but what is worth dying for. And it is time to make that determination because we may very well be called to pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor. In fact, I think, I think that's what the clarion call is for this day." - Catherine Crabill, who is RUNNING to become Virginia's new crazy-ass Republican state-house representative.

This quote has it all, baby. It's forceful. It's delusionally noble. It puts forth the central tenet of the Wingnut Revolution in stark terms - the only reasonable response to losing an election is to grab your gun and shoot the people that beat you. And it sort of quotes the Declaration of Independence, which is key to any Wingnut Revolutionary screed.

There's only one problem. Catherine Crabill... is a woman. And we all know that Republicans only take women seriously enough to get a certain percentage of the stupider ones to vote for them. I mean, their ideal woman is Sarah Palin, for fuck's sake. They're more likely to rally for illegal immigration than they are to heed a woman's call to arms. Sorry, but we'll keep your resume on file for the next time we need a Pyrrhic vice-presidential candidate. And if you could get these coffee cups on your way out, that'd be great, sugar-tits.

I guess the Wingnut Revolution will have to be put off a while longer, while the loyal troops (like Lou Dobbs) bitch about Obama's birth certificate and swear up and down that if Obama passes one more, just ONE MORE regressive law on our path to Liberal Socialistic Nazi Communist Fascism, it'll be time to take back America... with extreme prejudice.

You will, of course, pardon me for not holding my fucking breath.