Archive - Jul 2009

July 21st

Please, Don't Get Her Started Again

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Previously, on "A Shot At Reality With Tila Tequila": SHE WAS DUMB.

If you're just tuning in, we're exploring the insane delusions and paranoid fantasies of Tila "BANNED IN CHINA" Tequila, former reality star, occasional bisexual, and Twitter freak. Today, we dive deep into the rabbit hole, which is not a euphemism for something Tila will do for forty bucks and a sandwich. Could China-style Internet censorship happen here? Is it ALREADY happening here? ACTUAL TWEETS TIME!

"Although I DO have a very strange feeling that secretly, the Government is already doing that on a subtle level. Its all fucked up!... I wish I could tell you more about the stuff I know....but I guarantee you, someway, somehow, the Gov. will delete or block my blogs 4 truth... Or even worse.....they would Kill me. Yes....the GOV would find a way to KILL me, if my voice becomes too powerful in unveiling the truth."

OK, two things here. First, if you're gonna write this much shit in a row, get a fucking blog already. Don't break your psychotic rant into 140 character chunks just so you can send it from your phone. That's just a bad use of technology. And second, if Tila Tequila survived for eight years with Dick Cheney's assassination squads in play, I'm guessing she's safe now. Even after revealing her "truth", which, of course, she does as her Twitter spew continues:

"John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, JFK, Martin Luther King, Malcom X just to name a few...influential or knew the truth. Killed by Government... Oh and dont let me get started on our "shitty economy" and how that is slightly part of the plan.....I'll stop now before I get in trouble... They also have a cure for AIDS and CANCER, but if they put out the cure, BILLIONS of dollars will be lost in the pharmaceutical industry... And don't let me get started on CHURCH GROUPS and RELIGION....another Government conspiracy connected to the Federal Reserve. Ok im dead."

At this point, it's already evident that Tila Tequila is an incompetent dilettante even in the area of conspiracy theories. Proper conspiracy whackjobs actually have a twisted worldview, and believe only the crazy things that coincide with that worldview. 9/11 Truth OR Bigfoot, not AND Bigfoot. But Tila believes that Marilyn Monroe was killed by the government and that religion is the creation of the Federal Reserve. That's just sad.

"Did you know that the "internet" was actually invented centuries ago? But only the GOV. had use of it until they decided to go public... The GOV. and PRES is actually NOT highest rank. It is the people in the FEDERAL RESERVE. They run everything. The Masons. Ok im really dead... U wanna know more truth? Some form of electric free generator had enough power to light up an entire city. They Axed it cuz it would be free... Just like the Electric Car that was invented. It runs faster than most cars, no gas needed, quiet, but GOV. axed it cuz gas no longer needed"

OK, seriously. At this point I'm starting to wonder if Ron Moore is following up Battlestar Galactica with a gritty, modern remake of "The Lone Gunmen", and Tila thinks she's auditioning using Twitter. Nobody actually believes all this shit with a straight face, right? And even if they did, they wouldn't jeopardize their three remaining atoms of credibility by NOT SHUTTING UP EVER, right? Wrong.

"oh and dont let me tell u about TAXES! Did you know that it is NOT a law that you HAVE TO PAY TAXES? Wow..hold up..droppin 2 much knowledge. Trust me, paying taxes is not IN THE LAW! People just abide to it cuz they think it's the law. But there are NO documents stating its a law! They put in you jail for not payin taxes because they KNOW that u don't know the truth and wont be able to afford a lawyer to defend u."

It's funny, but until now, I never realized that my favorite place in the entire world to spend an afternoon is an auditor's office at the IRS, where a poor, beleaguered government servant listens to some poor fool they dragged in, as the fool tries to cite the absence of any actual tax law as revealed by Tila Motherandfatherfucking Tequila on her Twitter feed. Someone put that out on DVD, and I'll buy copies for all my friends as Christmas gifts. Clearly, by this point, Tila has gone off the deep end into the deeper end, and off the deeper end into an even deeper end. Can she pull off the trifecta? Can she go off the deepest end? Need you even doubt?

"And people have actually forgotten that in the Amendment, THE PEOPLE, have power to overturn the GOV, to which they are about to scrape that... One World Order isn't too far away folks. Everything happening now is part of the big plan. They're gonna start putting micro-chips in you... Maybe one day I will change subject and school you all about the Egyptians and also how there was a 6th Kingdom that history concealed."

Um, Tila? I forwarded these tweets to Tim McVeigh, Charlie Manson, and Glenn Beck, and they're all, as one, shaking their heads and saying "Ooooooo....kay." That's never a good sign. If you're off your meds, get back on them. If you're on your meds, get off them. And if you're on the Internet, get off that too. Tell you what. If you promise to quit Twitter right now, I'll send you a terminal that lets you access the old Internet. The one from centuries ago that the government ran. And as long as you keep it supplied with paper and ribbons, you can broadcast the TRUTH right to the world's secret masters, and there won't ever be a 140 character limit. Do we have a deal? Because I can be at Goodwill in like twenty minutes, and the UPS store about an hour after that.

Let me leave you with one last nugget of wisdom from the mind of Tila Tequila, one that perfectly encapsulates and summarizes the wild ride we've been on for the past two days. Take it away, the poster child for the effects syphilis has on the human brain!

"I can't stand ignorant people...but it's not their fault cuz school systems SUCK anyway. They haven't updated textbooks from the 50s!!!!!"