Archive - Aug 20, 2009


Burn In Health

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Memo to Victoria Jackson: GET OFF MY PLANET.

Once again, Victoria Jackson has posted a cry for help to Big Hollywood, and by doing so, creates an interesting ethical question. Is it right to mock someone for what is clearly a form of mental illness, when that mental illness causes them, directly or indirectly, to become a horrible, horrible human being?

I don't know the answer to that question. So instead, I'm going to go with what I -do- know, which is that Victoria Jackson is a seriously insane idiot whose misguided, delusional attempts to save her fellow Americans cause her to behave towards them with such vile malice that it's impossible to feel any pity for her. Further evidence for this can be found in her astonishing tale of her attendance of a town hall meeting and a Dianne Feinstein protest.

She opens her tale of woe in a parking lot in Alhambra, sitting in her car, wondering what to scrawl on both sides of her posterboard, listening to talk radio. Anyone interested in the exact mechanism by which the Teabag Overlords implant their ideas into their all-too-willing subjects should pay close attention to this bit here:

[Frank Pastori is] passionately discussing the very current, very urgent Obamacare catastrophe with callers. I am creating my protest poster, trying to zero in on the exact name of this, his latest attempt at World Domination…Nationalized-Universal-Single-Payer-Socialized-Government-Controlled-Health-Care-Insurance-Reform-Thing. I settle on 'Obamacare.' I call in to the radio show. "

Wow, Victoria, that's amazing. You were sitting there, wondering what to call Obama's health care plan on your sign, listening to a right-wing radio host call it "Obamacare", and lo and behold, you settle on "Obamacare"? Way to be part of an original, grass-roots, bottom-up organization, there. On another note, I'm pretty sure that Victoria Jackson is actually Rorschach from "Watchmen". Dead dog rotting in the alleyway. I call in to the radio show.

Victoria then goes on to inform us that "What you write on your protest poster is important. It's like wearing your heart on your sleeve." If that's true, then Victoria's sleeve is made of cardboard, and her heart is disjointed, full of inconsistent capitalization, and dotted with random Bible verses, doodles, and drawings I cannot make out from her supplied picture.

We are then informed that all the protest signs she saw were polite and intelligent, and that the one picture of Obama with a Hitler moustache was appropriate because Obama really is a lot like Hitler. We then get a list of the ways Obama is like Hitler, which is just as intelligent and just as polite as you would expect. I will spare you all but one of the details, and that is that apparently, "Obama is forming a volunteer/mandatory Youth Army. Hitler did that." Go ahead. Try and parse what in the ever-loving, aerial-backflipping, flying FUCK she means by "volunteer/mandatory". Keep plenty of Advil on hand, and remember that I am not responsible for any resulting brain trauma.

All this, and I haven't even gotten to the good parts. Jackson's interactions with other people. I believe it's time for an ACTUAL QUOTE TIME MONTAGE!

  • A big black man approaches me and hands me a booklet with a picture of Hitler and Obama on the front. I ask him, “Are you on our side or their side?” He walks away. Later I realize it’s from the political cult, the LaRouche organization.
  • A middle aged business man with no sign approaches me and I smile. He looks at my sign with disgust and says, “You want that forever?” I’m confused but quickly realize he’s an Obamunist. “I..uh…what? He says, “You don’t want change?” I say, “I don’t want communism!” He quickly walks away before we can have a conversation. That was weird.
  • One of them talks to me, “Millions of people have no health insurance.” How do you respond to that? I want to say, “Um…maybe they don’t work, or they spent their paycheck on booze instead! Or, maybe they don’t plan ahead. Or, are they illegal aliens? Are we, the middle class supposed to financially support the whole world who moves here?” But, I say, “Socialism is bad.”
  • I turn to the Obamunist next to me, “Why do you want socialized medicine?” He arrogantly replies, “I lived in Germany. It worked there.” I say, “Then why aren’t you there?” He’s tall and proud. ”I want to be here.” A few minutes later, I say, “What do you do?” He says, “I’m a professor.” I say knowingly, “Oh, no wonder. You know Harvard used to be Christian. So were all the other Ivy League schools. So was our country.”

Again, I have to give credit where credit is due. Victoria Jackson is either too naive or too stupid to explain her thought processes and conversations with other people in a way that makes her look good. Calling the LaRouchies a political cult? The only difference between Jackson and the LaRouche supporter is the color of their robes. And it's not "odd" that the businessman walked away quickly. That's the natural fight-or-flight response to a crazy woman on the street shouting that she doesn't want communism.

And it only gets better. I love the third one the best, because she's got this whole Terminator list of potential retorts, each one full of the particular elitist cruelty towards others that only a Christian Republican can truly pull off, and rejects them all so that she can sound like a petulant six-year-old. And that poor professor, unwittingly sucked into a conversation with a trained animal who responds to keywords like "professor" with canned phrases about the good old days when the Ivy League schools were full of Christian virtue (and white people, of course).

All of this is awesomely awful. Don't get me wrong. But there is more. There's an interaction she relates that proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that her newfound political activism has not only removed any remaining common sense or self-awareness from Victoria Jackson, it has also removed any shred of common decency. It puts the lie to her professions of Christianity, and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the premise of this column: that stupidity is just another form of evil. I warn you without hyperbole - I have posted a lot of reprehensible shit in this space, and this ranks in the all-time top five.

"A 60 year old woman with no sign, no flag, and wearing no bra, walks up to me and says, 'My insurance is $2000 a month.' While I’m trying to process that, mine is $100 a month, she says, 'I'm dying of cancer and I have no insurance and I don’t know what to do.' She looks healthy. While my brain is figuring out that she has just lied to me, she walks away. I say, 'Why don’t you go where the illegal aliens go. They get free health care.; She glances back, the devil in her eye."

Victoria Jackson needs to get cancer. I don't want her to get cancer. I don't think she deserves to get cancer. But I'm pretty damn sure she -needs- to get cancer. Not fatal cancer. It can be a treatable cancer on an organ she doesn't need to survive, like skin, or breast, or brain. It just needs to be enough that she has to deal with her hundred-dollar-a-month insurance company for a few months before they drop her. Not that I think this will make her realize the error of her ways - she's a fucking moron, after all - but even a cold, uncaring, godless universe requires karmic justice now and again.