Archive - Aug 5, 2009

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Not Helping

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Memo to Eric Cantor, Justin Barrett, and of course, Orly Taitz: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's Wednesday, so we'll be getting to IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS in just a moment, but before we start, I'd like to give a special ISTDT shout out to all you teabag morons and birther fucks who the Republicans are conning into disrupting Democrat town halls on healthcare. I'd include you as official idiots, but more than 30 seconds of trying to transcribe your shouted "BLARGLE BLARGLE SOCIALISM RHUBARB" would melt even my hardened, idiot-proof brain. But there's good news - your actions are so fucking ridiculous that there's a slim chance they'll backfire, and backfire so spectacularly that you'll get the government-sponsored dental and psychiatric care that you don't want, but that you still desperately need. And now, on to the physically quotable morons.

"Reaching out to the Muslim world may help in creating an environment for peace in the Middle East, but we must insist as Americans that our policies be firmly grounded in the beliefs of the Judeo-Christian tradition upon which this country was founded." - Virginia congressman Eric Cantor, the last Jewish Republican in Congress, speaking at the Christians United For Israel conference.

OK, I probably shouldn't call Eric Cantor an idiot. It's cruel. Because it's obvious he actually has a learning disability. Or a learning inability. Or something. Is there a version of dyslexia that only applies to foreign policy? There must be, because it's the only possible reason for someone to look at the last eight years of United States foreign policy, and decide that the big problem we have now is that we're no longer doing enough to impose the Judeo-Christian tradition on the Middle East.

I mean, it's insane. It's like going to ground zero, getting upset at the lack of progress in getting the Freedom Tower built, and suggesting that what would really speed things along is if you got a 747 and just plowed it straight into the hole. You know what? Upon further reflection, I believe that I should, in fact, call Eric Cantor an idiot. Eric Cantor is an idiot. That is all.

"I did not mean to offend anyone,’’ he said. “The words were being used to characterize behavior, not describe anyone... I didn’t mean it in a racist way. I treat everyone with dignity and respect."

"I am not a racist. I did not intend any racial bigotry, harm or prejudice in my words. I sincerely apologize that these words have been received as such. I truly apologize to all." - Boston police officer Justin Barrett, who gets a two-fer in the stupid fucking apology category.

And why are these stupid fucking apologies? Well, "these words" appeared in an e-mail he wrote to his National Guard buddies about the issue du jour last week, Professor Henry Louis Gates. And "these words"? "Jungle monkey".

You know what? I think we need a new standard for racism in America. I mean, let's say you're a cop, and let's say that, somehow, the public discovers that you think a black guy is a "jungle monkey". You should get in some kind of trouble, because being a racist has direct bearing on your ability to both protect and serve. A suspension, and lots of sensitivity training. Not that the sensitivity training will cure the racism, but it WILL be annoying enough that you'll make damn sure you never let your bigoted viewpoint affect your work in a way anyone will notice.

If, however, you then try to claim that you didn't mean "jungle monkey" in a racist way, and you were merely describing the BEHAVIOR of a Harvard professor who happened to be black? Then your ass gets fired. Period. No quarter given. Out on your ass, working some low-paying job that gives you no power over the public and certainly no deadly weapon to carry around. Because not only are none of us buying it, but we all know damn well you're not buying it either. And if you're not actually willing to admit that what you did was what you did, then you have zero integrity and you don't get to be a cop (or Congressman, or Senator, or whatever position of power and authority that demands, at least on paper, a modicum of integrity) anymore.

"Bomford report was created to try to discredit my efforts." - Orly Taitz, the birther equivalent to the Alien Queen.

Just a quick update from yesterday's schadenfest. Another day of mocking and research has turned up the original image used to create the obviously forged Kenyan birth certificate - the Australian birth certificate of David Bomford, a picture of which has been online since at least 2007.

Orly Taitz is a clinically insane woman who sees sinister global conspiracies because she can't admit she's stupid and wrong. And anyone who still claims to be a birther after this sorry display needs to take a good, long look at their life and figure out what the fuck went horribly, horribly wrong.