Archive - Aug 6, 2009

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Queer Bait

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Memo to the New York Post, the totally gay Michael Medved, and conservative homophobes: YOU ARE DUMB.

There are few things in this world easier than giving the gay panic to a conservative. Imply that they might be gay? Gay panic. Hint that a gay person might like them, make a pass at them, or be near them? Gay panic. Suggest to them that the very manly thing they love, be it football, pro wrestling, or Predator, might be just a little bit gay? GAY PANIC.

Inspiring the gay panic in a homophobe is a cheap thrill, but even a cheap thrill is a thrill. Sure, it's mean, but fuck it. It wouldn't be possible if they weren't such bigoted, closeted fuckjobs in the first place. But you know what's better than instilling gay panic in a homophobe? Robert Downey Jr. knows. Because Robert Downey Jr. triggered a gay panic epidemic, and I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We're two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It's bad-ass." - Downey Jr., discussing his upcoming Sherlock Holmes and Jude Law's Dr. Watson, to the News of the World in Britain.

If you are a sane human being, you recognize Downey's quote for exactly what it is - a clever person, bored, fucking around with the interviewer. If you are NOT a sane person, you hear Downey's quote and go full retard. Like the New York Post, which took the quote, added the headline "'Gay' Sherlock Holmes Could Backfire For Guy Ritchie", and to bolster that shocking headline, went straight to part-time movie reviewer, full time conservative, and clearly earning time-and-a-half asshole, Michael Medved.

"There's not a seething, bubbling hunger to see straight stars impersonating homosexuals. I think they're just trying to generate controversy... They know that making Holmes and Watson homosexual will take away two-thirds of their box office. Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women. Straight men don't want to see it."

Michael Medved really, really wants to have sex with a man. Just get it over with, please, and save us all your repressed, seething, bubbling, completely obvious anguish. Pick up a hot guy, and let him fill that space in your ass you pulled that percentage out of. Plus, and this is very important, they're NOT ACTUALLY GAY.

The whole not actually gay thing was of course lost on the New York Post website commenters, who reacted with predictably hilarious Gay Panic outrage:

"I grew up watching Sherlock Holmes reruns. I was so excited about going to see the new release. I just got texted that the movie portrays Holmes and Watson as gay - I couldn't believe it. Take a wholesome and historically iconic story and modernize it with homosexuality. What people do in their own bedroom, heterosexually or homosexually, is none of my business but I DON'T WANT to see it in family cinema. If you want to see two men or two women hooking up, or a lurid sex scene - make and watch pornography, but quit putting it in mainstream cinema. Enough is a enough." - "Auburn Angel", which is totally the name of someone who gets paid to make and watch pornography.

I don't care who texted you. They're not gay. I know, I've seen the trailer. They just hang out a lot, take off their shirts, and grapple with large, hairy bald men who work in metallurgy. And they're British. And one of them, I'm reliably told, loves to smoke a long pipe from time to time. That's hardly gay. I mean, it's only two thirds as gay as Michael Medved.