Archive - Sep 2009

September 1st

Of The Stupid

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Memo to Dove World Outreach Center: YOU ARE DUMB AND SLOW.

I can't believe I'm writing this column in 2009. I mean, yes, clearly, I can believe it. There's empirical evidence right in front of my face clearly indicating that, yes, I'm writing this column in 2009. But I mean metaphorically, I kind of assumed we were past this. I mean, OK, I know we're not past this, because we're largely a nation of ignorant fuckers with xenophobic impulses and sticks up our asses.

What I'm trying to say, really, is this. Let's say that ten years from now, we live in a liberal Utopia, and I get on Jeopardy, and Jeopardy now has a "What The Fuck?" category, and I take What The Fuck for five hundred, Alex, and Alex, or robo-Alex, or whoever is hosting Jeopardy in 2019 gives me the answer "In this year, Florida students were sent home for wearing "Islam Is Of The Devil" T-Shirts, I would be out five hundred fucking dollars, because I would say "What is 2004, Robo-Alex?"

I mean, it's almost retro. After an entire month of crazy town hall meetings, I'd gotten the impression that we weren't worried about Islam anymore, because it was much more important that we stop Obama from raping grandmothers to death with his socialist penis, you know, the one that has a little Hitler moustache on it. But apparently the clarity of the town hall message was lost on me, and we still have to worry about an Other that's so five years ago.

The place is the Gainsville, Florida public school system. The perpetrators are students, children of parents who belong to Dove World Outreach Center, a bunch of racist asshole Jesus-freaks. And no, I'm not just saying that because they're a church in Florida whose views I disagree with, even though the odds would still be in my favor if that was all I'm going on. No, the DWOC shares one universal trait in common with every single church full of crazy hating motherfuckers I've ever run across. Lousy signage.

I mean, look at that. Awful font, awful kerning, and the baselines don't even line up. It's like they don't even care. Or they're delusional fuckers who think their "Islam Is Of The Devil" message is so compelling and important that it will reach people no matter what form it takes - an ugly-ass marquee sign, or plastered all over the back of a CafePress T-Shirt in standard-issue Military Font. In red. With a Bible proverb on the front.

Seriously, people. This is what happens when you don't let in any gays or liberals. You end up with shitty graphic design.

The main part of the story is fairly tedious bullshit, actually. Church sends students to school with inflammatory, hateful T-shirts. School sends students home for violating the policy against being dressed up like hateful fuck morons. Church then orders one dozen extra extra large hairshirts from CafePress and bitches about their rights being violated. Wah wah wah.

The only interesting bit from the entire story was that one of the students sent home from elementary school for wearing one of the shirts was the daughter of the church member who ordered them. Her name? I shit you not, Faith Sapp. And I fervently hope, with every fiber of my being, that in ten years, while I'm bombing out on Utopian Jeopardy, that a bisexual, tattooed, pierced Democrat has come up with something better for her college friends to call her than "Faith Sapp".