Archive - Sep 2009

September 28th

Unintentional Irony Roundup

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Memo to the Teabaggers and the Anti-ACORN movement: YOU ARE DUMB.

I wasn't able to post on Friday, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't get your semi-regular dose of two or more vaguely thematically similar news stories tied together with an arbitrary structure. Today, that structure is made entirely out of irony, as a bunch of conservatives failed to be careful what they wished for, allowing me to create a special SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY MONDAY!

First, the laughs are still pouring out of Glenn Beck's 9/12 teabagger protest in Washington. Turns out that even after the protest was over with, the fiercely independent anti-government crowds who refuse to be tread on were livid about another slight inflicted upon them by Big Socialism.

The outrage? Not enough subway trains were running. Quickly, somebody run and get a knife so that we can cut a big old slice off of the thick, palpable irony. The subway is public transit. Public transit is a frequently under-funded service the government provides, in which fares cost a fraction of their actual cost because the benefits of the system go beyond just the people making use of it. It is, to use a frequently-shouted word, just a smidge socialist. But it gets better. Here's the complaint lodged by Texas! Republican! Congressman Kevin Brady. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Rep. Kevin Brady (R) said an 80-year-old woman and her 60-year-old daughter were forced to walk and pay for a cab because the subway system was so crowded" - The Washington Post, describing a letter Brady wrote to the DC Metro's general manager.

Well, Mr. Brady, I believe what you so poignantly describe as "walking", conservatives prefer to call "personal responsibility". What did you think those bootstraps were strapped to? Boots, that's what. And what were boots made for? Walking. QED. And paying for a cab? That, sir, is a free market solution. You should be praising these elderly, racist women for their support of conservative values, not running to the government to ask where their handout was.

I mean, seriously. It's bad enough that we can't respect your bugfuck ideals, on account of them being bugfuck and all. But at least we could respect your willingness to live by those bugfuck ideals, if only you could manage to actually do it. Ever. Instead of just scrawling your bugfuck ideals in misspelled Sharpie letters on cardboard signs you wave furiously at the black man you hate so much.

In other poorly-planned wish news, remember how last week the outrage over the fake pimp ACORN video flew so fast and so furiously that within a matter of days, Congress had passed a law defunding ACORN? Yeah. Funny thing about that. Here is how the Defund ACORN Act of 2009 defines who gets defunded:

"Any organization that has been indicted for a violation under any Federal or State law governing the financing of a campaign for election for public office or any law governing the administration of an election for public office, including a law relating to voter registration... Any organization that had its State corporate charter terminated due to its failure to comply with Federal or State lobbying disclosure requirements... Any organization that has filed a fraudulent form with any Federal or State regulatory agency..."

OK, everyone who thinks that ACORN is the only organization who meets that definition, say AYE. Congratulations! If you said "AYE", you're probably a member of Congress. And an idiot. As written, the Defund ACORN Act would not just take out ACORN. It would take out, oh, Lockheed Martin. And other defense contractors. Xe, the artist formerly known as Blackwater, would get defunded so many times under this act they'd probably have to pay back almost half of the money they stole.

In other words, shit that is very, very important to stop when a small group of people helping poor minorities does it with a tiny fraction of the $53 million the government gives them? That's shit that's been going on for decades, to the order of billions of dollars, and nobody passed a law defunding them for it in a week.

Wait, scratch that. Nobody passed a law defunding them for it in a week... ON PURPOSE. Smooth legislative move, whatever prescription laxative members of Congress get without a co-pay thanks to their sweet health coverage. Smooth move.