Archive - Nov 2010

November 30th

Hackbarths Aren't A Girl's Best Friend

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Memo to Tom Hackbarth: SINGLE LIFE IS TOUGH.

Or so I hear, anyway. I mean, I watch that show on FX, that one with Louie CK? You know, "Louie"? And it's chock full of awkward moments when a nearly-divorced dude re-enters the world of dating. So I feel for you. Really I do. You're insecure. Not that good-looking. A hardline Republican. No wonder you went armed.

I mean, after all, it's perfectly legal! Ever since Minnesota passed concealed-carry a few years ago, you can carry a gun out on the streets whenever you'd like. Just for self-protection. And, as they say, an armed society is a polite society. And what's less polite than turning you down for a second date?

I love this state.

You see, Hackbarth, who takes his name from a long line of Bill The Cat utterances, is a state representative and part of the newly-Republican Minnesota legislature. And last week, there were disturbing reports that he was found by police, carrying a gun, in the parking lot of a St. Paul Planned Parenthood clinic.

And I know what you're thinking. Wingnut, Abortion clinic. Gun. Some pro-life whackjob taking the law into his own hands, and deciding to save all the beautiful unborn babies from the abortion factory. Well, I hope you feel bad about your rush to judgment. Hackbarth wasn't found with a gun in a Planned Parenthood lot because of a bad decision. He was found with a gun in a Planned Parenthood lot because of two completely unconnected, coincidental bad choices.

The Star Tribune describes the first bad choice in painful, excruciating detail. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Hackbarth said he had coffee with the woman on Nov. 15, and asked her to dinner the next night but she told him she couldn't because of a commitment she had with a female friend in Highland Park. Hackbarth said he felt that she might have been seeing a man instead, so he parked his car and walked around the block looking for her car."

Oh, OK. That makes perfect sense. That's totally healthy, normal behavior for a 58-year-old state representative in the middle of a divorce. No, wait, I typed that wrong. That's not even normal behavior for a fifteen-year-old boy. That's completely fucking creepy. Deciding she was lying to him, secretly seeing another man, and hunting for her car in a park while carrying a gun? Hunting for her after ONE COFFEE DATE?

His other bad choice was parking by accident in a Planned Parenthood lot, where, thanks to anti-abortion nutjobs like Hackbarth, they have security guards on duty keeping an eye out for middle-aged white dudes who get out of their cars packing heat.

But wait. It's possible, despite my six-year track record of rock-solid awesomeness, that I may be misjudging Hackbarth. Let's see what he tells the press, in an attempt to cover his ass, and perhaps that will help his case.

"She gave me some line of baloney, and I thought, 'well, she's fibbing to me.' You could tell, and I thought, 'well, I'm going to check it out.' and I went there to see if she was around and her vehicle was not there. And I was just checking on her... I was not a jealous boyfriend. I was just trying to check up on her. It's totally a misunderstanding." - Hackbarth, to local TV news (pre-ellipsis) and the Star-Tribune (post-ellipsis).

Yes, it's totally a misunderstanding. Unfortunately, it's you misunderstanding the appropriate and adult response to a brush-off. You move on to the next match on your eHarmony list. You do not decide that several of your points of compatibility should be hollow-points.

Luckily, the Minnesota Republicans have determined that Hackbarth is trouble, He's been suspended from his leadership role "until this issue is fully resolved", which, since Hackbarth wasn't arrested or charged by police, means essentially "until people stop talking about this". Also, his caucus has unanimously agreed not to go on any double-dates with him.

Since the real issue is Hackbarth's tendency to be a creepy, misogynistic, poorly-socialized stalker asshole, it's unlikely that will ever be resolved without some serious fucking therapy.