Archive - Feb 17, 2010

Incapable Of Not Sucking

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Memo to Jan Larimer, Tom Tancredo, and Curtis Coleman: STAY CLASSY.

It's true that-one of my omnipresent frustrations with Democrats in general, and Obama in particular, is that you do not know what they stand for. They take every position and fight for none of them. And it's maddening. It's disheartening. And it's on track to seriously suppress the voter turnout just two years after we thought we'd elected someone at least willing to fight for a worldview, even if we didn't entirely agree with it. Luckily, the Republicans are always there to remind me of exactly what they stand for, and why it's incrementally better to keep them out of power instead of in charge. A theme ably demonstrated by this week's installment of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Women sometimes need a little more handholding, or they need their friends to help them make a decision. And by our going in and talking to them and recruiting and educating and training them to either get involved in a campaign or become a candidate, we're giving them the tools so that they can do that on their own." - RNC co-chair Jan Larimer.

Republicans stand for the patronization and demeaning of women. Oh, they may couch it in biological determinism or cultural heritage, but for fuck's sake, the patriarchy is so ingrained that the party's co-chair, a woman, is explaining their outreach to women by saying the RNC is going to be the trusted confidante that girls need to hold their hand as they make a big important decision, so they don't have to be all by their lonesome. Classic. It's like she took a joke from an 80s stand-up routine about how men and women go to public bathrooms, and based her entire program around it.

All that bullshit just so you end up with female candidates who unleash demon sheep upon an unsuspecting world. I'd call it a no-win situation if it weren't for the fact that they somehow manage to win stuff, even though by all rights they should be alienating a good seventy percent of the population at any given moment.

"We do not have a civics literacy test before people can vote. People who could not even spell the word ‘vote’ or say it in English put a committed socialist ideologue in the White House." - Tom Tancredo, who can always be counted on to up-crazy any situation, crazying up the Teabagger Prom in Nashville a couple weekends ago.

OK, Tom. You want a literacy test? Here's a literacy test. Use the phrase "committed socialist ideologue" in a sentence describing someone who exhibits at least one of those three qualities. Whoops, you failed. I hereby instruct the state of Colorado to revoke Tom Tancredo's voting rights, and if he doesn't like that, he can buy a fucking dictionary or take a Kaplan class or something.

Under normal circumstances, I'd be really cranky about that assface having the unmitigated gall to steal the "we lost because the voters are stupid" mindset that is the only way some of us got through eight years of Bush with our sanity intact. But this is Tom Tancredo. The only reason this motherfucker doesn't parade around in a robe and hood is because they don't make them in a high enough thread count for his tender, pampered hide. So when he says "literacy test", he doesn't mean that too many voters are uneducated, he means that too many voters are black and Latino. Which, to be fair, is one of the reasons Tom Tancredo no longer holds elected office, so you can see why he'd be grumpy about it.

"Embryonic stem cell research is taking the concept of taking a life and using it to conduct experiments so we can temporarily extend somebody else’s life. Let me tell you what I just described. I just described what the Nazis did to the Jews in the death camps of WWII... I’m not sure an apology is needed.It’s life at a different stage, but it’s still human life. That’s the point, it is still a human being, it is still a human life. It hasn’t fully developed, but it’s still that human being, and it’s unique." - Republican Senate candidate Curtis Coleman, trying very very hard to actually be worse than his opponent, Blanche Lincoln.

Stem cells and Nazi analogies? Really? If Curtis Coleman really cared about preserving the lives of unique human beings, he'd use the time machine that brought him here from Spring 2008 and warn the people of Haiti to either build stronger walls or stand in a field the evening of Jan 12. Sweet merciful monkeyfuck, I know the dude's trying to run to the right of Blanche Lincoln, and she's not leaving him much room over there to maneuver, but they hit the snowflake children shit hard in 2008, and it did them no good whatsoever.

And also, even if you accept the ludicrous premise that a life is a life is a life, and even if you accept the even more ludicrous premise that the Nazis were conducting genuine science in order to benefit humanity, you're still left with the fact that modern stem cell science is not driven by a deep-seated social, ethnic, and religious hatred of EMBRYOS. So Coleman's analogy is indefensible on pretty much every level, which is of course why he shamefully defended it on the back side of that ellipsis up there. It's what they do.