Archive - Mar 2010

Why, That's Almost Half!

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Memo to Balz-Gingrich, Jonah Goldberg, and Michelle Bachmann: YOU ARE DUMB.

Even at three per week plus one or two bonus columns, I may never actually properly catalog, point at, and laugh at the vast sea of wingnut overreaction to the passage of health care reform. But I must try, because this is my domain, and I protect those who come here. Wait, not protect. That other thing. Crack wise at the expense of. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"Calling the bill 'the most radical social experiment... in modern times,' Gingrich said: 'They will have destroyed their party much as Lyndon Johnson shattered the Democratic Party for 40 years' with the enactment of civil rights legislation in the 1960s." - Dan Balz, imperfectly quoting Newt Gingrich, in the Washington Post.

It's actually good that Balz doesn't provide an clean, unbroken Gingrich quote for me to use, because they're both fucking morons. Why the hell is Balz even bothering to ask Newt Gingrich what kind of political price Democrats will pay for passing health care? First, Newt Gingrich has a clear vested interest in Democrats doing badly, so when he says Democrats will do badly, he's probably talking shit. And even if he's not talking shit, he's talking out of his ass, as evidenced by the quote itself.

Newt's analogy makes it clear that the man has no interest in whether a policy is right or wrong, whether it is proved just by the passage of time or shown to be an epic fucking mistake. All Newt Gingrich cares about is whether a political party gains power, or loses it. And by concern-trolling Democrats by saying "oooh, you shouldn't have passed that health care bill, you'll shatter your party", he's also essentially saying "what were you thinking, giving black people equal rights in the 60s and making all those white racists turn Republican?" He says this, of course, because he's Newt Gingrich, and he's always been one of politics' greatest assholes.

"This legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations. It will throw off new and unforeseen cultural spectacles for years to come (if it is not repealed). The grinding debate over the Stupak amendment was just a foretaste. The government has surged over the breakwater and is now going to flood the nooks and crannies of American life. Americans will now fight over what tax dollars should cover and not cover. Debates over 'subsidizing' this 'lifestyle' or that 'personal choice' will erupt. And when conservatives complain, liberals will blame them for perpetuating the culture war." - And speaking of assholes, here's Jonah "Liberal Fascism" Goldberg, being completely insane.

I'm not going to address the substance of Jonah's missive, because, well, it doesn't have any. Plus, it's more fun to mock his complete and utter failure to write a polemic. First, "super-conducting super-collider" is the antiquated 80s reference. All the cool kids are hip to the Large Hadron Collider these days, Jonah. The good news is that Goldberg's use of the SCSC makes him accidentally right - the actual collider was proposed in the 80s and cancelled ten years later, without ever smashing any atoms at all. So the SCSC of culture-war conflagrations will have a bunch of people saying it's going to make a big boom, but it'll eventually all come to nothing but wasted time and money and a giant hole in the middle of Texas. Good call, Jonah! Next time try making one on purpose!

Oh, and also, there's no way in hell you need ironic quotes around "subsidize" if you're putting them around "lifestyle" and "personal choice". This has been a public service message from the Committee to "Stop" The Over-Use Of Ironic Quotes.

"And what we saw this Tuesday, once the president signed the health care bill at the 11th hour in the morning on Tuesday, that effected 51% government takeover of the private economy. It is really quite sobering what has happened. From 100% of our economy was private prior to September of 2008, but as of Tuesday, the federal government has now taken ownership or control of 51% of the private economy." - Because what would a collection of HCR over-reactions be without Michele Bachmann on wingnut radio?

It is clearly nowhere near as sobering as Bachmann says it is, because she is clearly still fucking high. While I appreciate her fervor in attempting to create irrefutable wingnuttery by making us waste all our time trying to figure out what in the sweet hell she is even talking about, she failed at that too.

Everyone knows from wingnuts that health care was a government takeover of 1/6 of the economy. A takeover that still somehow left all the insurance and pharmaceutical companies in business and with soaring stock prices, but whatever. One sixth of the economy. That leaves one third of the total economy, which Bachmann says was entirely private before Spetember 2008, unaccounted for.

Now, it's widely know that Barack Obama nationalized the United States auto industry. It's not true, but it's widely known. Now, since none of the US car makers were making money, that means they barely count as part of the US economy at all for the purposes of this calculation. Now, since she says September 2008, she's talking about the bank bailouts, which are inexplicably blamed on Obama even though he wouldn't even win the election for two more months.

Running Bachmann's numbers, this leads to a startling conclusion. Michele Bachmann thinks George W. Bush was twice the socialist Barack Obama is. The banks are 1/3, but health care is only 1/6. The auto industry can be that extra one percent. I don't know where Michele Bachmann developed her deep-seated hatred of Dubya, but I have to say, it's the most charming thing about her so far.