You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Archive - Apr 2010
Memo to Orson Bean, Victoria Jackson, and Heidi Montag: KEEP DOIN' WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'.
As we came up on tax day, the Tea Party overlords started to catch on. They got a lot of bad press after their members shouted "nigger" and "faggot" at black and gay lawmakers during the health care debate, so they sent out a now-famous memo warning participants against racist signs and "drinking or pre-drinking". Because the racism that was fueling the fervor had finally started to make them look bad.
Luckily for the rest of us, all the memos in the world won't help with motherfuckers who can't read. So the wingnut revolutionaries keep finding ways to embarrass themselves publicly and make the movement look bad, or, as scientists call it, "allow for correct observation". Thank goodness IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!"How poor Lenny’s wishes have not come true. Now we can’t even say nigger to condemn its use. We have to call it the 'N-word.' How pathetic. And the 'F-word' is next as the gay rebellion takes charge. At least you can still go outside to smoke. But certain words are taboo anywhere." - Orson Bean, seriously senile D-list celebrity and (therefore) Big Hollywood contributor.
And yes, the "Lenny" he refers to is Lenny Bruce. Orson Bean is quoting Lenny Bruce in order to justify the slinging of racial and homophobic slurs. But that's the thing. It's not the words that are offensive, it's the hate behind them. Lenny Bruce could say "nigger" and "faggot" and "kike" and "spic" because he could convince you there wasn't any hate behind them. Orson Bean, however, has to use the phrase "F-word", because he THINKS THERE'S A GAY REBELLION TAKING CHARGE. And that's why it makes you look bad when you shout it at someone who's voting to let kids stay on their parents' health insurance for a few more years.
Orson then goes on to suggest that teabaggers shouldn't be offended by "teabaggers", and should embrace the word and take away its power. Teabaggers, take his advice, because he has no idea what he's talking about. Terms of ridicule work differently than terms of hate, so all you'll be doing is saving us the trouble of mocking you. But an old washed-up comedian thinks it'll annoy us, so you should listen to him.
"Whether he has the birth certificate or not, he's not an American" - Victoria Jackson, seriously unstable D-list celebrity and (therefore) Big Hollywood contributor, at a tax-day Tea Party rally.
And the crowd went wild! And you know why the crowd went wild? Because Vicki tickled their jingoistic, nativistic, xenophobic glans, that's why. This is what's it's all about to them. It's not taxes, it's not health care, it's not socialism. It's that one of them is not in charge, and since they're American, he's not. Maybe it's because he's a Democrat, maybe it's because he's smart, maybe it's because he's black, but it doesn't matter. He's not one of them, he never will be, and they'll be out there opposing everything he does as a result, whether it helps them or not.
"I actually didn't know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit." Heidi also "had my waist cinched in on both sides. I'm very weird about hugging people now -- [my body] is very fragile." - Heidi Montag, on something called a "back scoop" she had done to her during her rounds of cosmetic surgery.
OK, you got me. Heidi Montag is not, as far as I can tell, a teabagger. I googled "Heidi Montag politics", but all I could glean before my brain started leaking out of every orifice in my body is that she supported McCain in some way in '08. But I've been sitting on this quote for weeks, and it is a fucking symphony of stupid.
Having cosmetic surgery is stupid. Having as much cosmetic surgery as she's had is incredibly stupid. Having procedures whose name you don't know for sure is all new levels of dumb, especially when you have no idea what it did to you or whether it had even been tried before. I don't know what a back scoop is either, but apparently it makes you snap in half if people hug you too tight.
I could never be Heidi Montag's cosmetic surgeon. And not just because I have, you know. Fucking ethics. But if I didn't have the core sense of right and wrong that would keep me out of the business entirely, there's no way I'd have the willpower to not treat someone that dumb giving me carte blanche to reshape her body as the world's greatest practical joke opportunity. You could give Heidi Montag antennae, a prehensile tail, and spell out "I'm With Stupid" on her ass with a Bedazzler, and she'd be on the cover of Us Weekly showing it all off five minutes after the anesthesia wore off. They're made for each other, really - both horrible human beings, but neither horrible enough to be entertaining.