Archive - Apr 2010

April 19th

A Modest Preposition

« April 2010 »
SuMoTuWeThFrSa
3
4
10
11
13
17
18
19
24
25
27

Memo to the Wingnut Revolution: YOUR MANIFESTO SUCKS BALLS.

Happy McVeigh Day, teabag nation! I'm sorry you don't each have a van full of explosives you can use to strike your individual blows against the oppressive American government. Well, maybe not "sorry". I mean, sure, half of you would blow yourselves up, but another quarter of you would misunderstand the meaning of "government building" and probably blow up the nearest Office Max. And people need highlighters.

Which is why I thought I'd spend some time highlighting -- get it? Of course you do, I am the segue master -- some of the key aspects of the pile of shit you're using instead of a Ryder truck full of fertilizer: the Contract From America.

From the looks of it, the Republicans that think they control the Tea Party must have had a hell of a time deciding on what preposition to put there. "With" had already been used, plus America's run by a black man now, and while, in the words of one recent teabagger, it's "not just because he's black", they certainly can't be "with" any Democrat-run America.

They probably had "On" up on a whiteboard for a couple of hours before one of them realized the implications and erased it. Contract Against America was accurate, but didn't test well. Contract In America worked until the Southern delegation panicked and thought the borders were shrinking. I'm kidding. They thought America was pregnant. I'm kidding. None of them had the slightest idea what "contractin'" meant.

Contract Near America was the favorite of all the corporations with offshore tax havens that the Tea Party movement is being fooled into protecting. Personally, I think they should have gone with Contract Of America. You know, like the mall. It's bloated, tacky, full of rubes, and serves corporate interests, just like the Tea Party itself.

But they went with "Contract From America", which I'm sure they think sounds profound. And they wrote this contract, as far as I can tell, via Internet poll. The top ten principles out of a list of 21 made the cut. And the top vote-getter?

"Require each bill to identify the specific provision of the Constitution that gives Congress the power to do what the bill does."

This is why the Tea Party will be looked back on as a historical laughingstock. Over 82% these fuckwits think politicians will be stumped by this and thus, all unconstitutional legislation will be stopped. They'll do this, by the way, while railing against the part of the health care bill that forces restaurants to put nutritional information on the menus, and they'll never understand why that's funny.

And speaking of delusional: "Begin the Constitutional amendment process to require a balanced budget with a two-thirds majority needed for any tax hike." First, I'd like to spend a moment being puerile, and point out that according to the Contract website, this provision was supported by 69.69% of teabaggers. I did not make that number up. It's right there in all it's mutually satisfying glory.

Now, this is of course a recipe for massive spending cuts to entitlements, which teabaggers love because they think it'll be poor minorities' government checks that vanish, not their own. Because you can't get a 2/3 majority to do anything ever. Which is genius until you realize that passing a constitutional amendment requires... wait for it... wait for it... A TWO THIRDS MAJORITY. In other words, 69.69% of teabaggers support a pointless circle-jerk.

What else is there? Let's see, there's a flat tax, which would fuck over most of the poor teabaggers. There's ending cap and trade and reducing regulation on American energy providers, which are awesome suggestions right after a fatal coal mine accident caused by a barely-regulated coal mine run by a rampant libertarian fuckhole. There's an anti-earmark item. That garnered 55.47% of the votes, so I can only assume 55.47% of the voters don't know what an earmark is.

Anyway, it's all the same faux-libertarian bullshit that drives the Tea Party, gussied up into a new form. The Tea Party is the Taco Bell of political discourse. Just because they've taken their tax-cut beans and their drill baby drill chicken and folded it in a new way doesn't mean they get to give it a new name, or that society has to care. I mean, McVeigh was a bastard, but at least he had specific grievances and a specific plan to try to correct them, two things the Wingnut Revolution sorely lacks.

Well, OK, they do have one specific grievance, but it doesn't count, because they have to warn people against putting that grievance on signs before every rally because it makes them look bad.