You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - May 2010
Memo to Jim Webb: YOU MADE YOUR BEDFELLOWS.
So we might, maybe, sort of, kind of, be getting close to a compromise deal on the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. It's a pointless and stupid compromise that exists for the dual purposes of letting bigots save face, and letting lawmakers save face in front of their bigoted constituencies, but it's a start. The repeal won't happen until the study is done in December, and it'll be ultimately the military that makes the decision rather than Congress in a lovely bit of craven buck-passing.
Which brings me to Senator Jim Webb, the only Democrat on the Senate Armed Services Committee to vote against moving the repeal forward. Now, I don't know whether Webb is willing to go so far as to filibuster the defense appropriations bill along with Republicans to keep this from happening, but it doesn't really matter. There are two sides to the DADT debate. One of them is completely fucking insane. And Jim Webb has aligned himself with the insanity.
Does that seem unfair? Fuck fair right in its fair-hole. The entire anti-war movement spent years being associated with one guy who submitted a Bush-Hitler video to a MoveOn.org contest. So I'm more than willing to associate Webb with the full-on batshit gay panic that the imminent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell has set off. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"So are we then going to then protect and condone homosexuality in the military? Is this the sort of thing that George Washington or our founders would be proud of, that we are doing today in this quick flash before Memorial Day?" Michigan Rep. Todd "Akin' For Cock" Akin, hoping for a quick flash before Memorial Day. Now, I can't speak for George Washington, but the dude was leading a fucking GUERRILLA WAR against the English. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have turned down any warm body who could hold a musket at Valley Forge. And I don't even mean that nearly as homo-erotically as it sounded.
That, by the way, was the mildest objection I plan to highlight. It just keeps getting crazier. Staying within the halls of Congress, here's our old pal Louie Gohmert:
"If someone has to be overt about their sexuality, whether it’s in a bunker where they’re confined under fire, then it’s a problem. And that’s what repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell does. It says, ‘I have to be overt, I don’t care. I want this to be a social experiment.'" - Notice the recurring "pinned down in a bunker with another man" fantasy? He starts out using "whether" like he's gonna list another option, but then gets so caught up in his little wank scenario he just trails off, spent.
Now, I admit, ranking these last three are tough. How do you compare gay rape, tainted blood, and Hitler? It's a tough call, but I think you have to close with Hitler. I flipped a coin on the other two, and the Family Research Council lost.
"We faced this when we started tightening up on rape," Black said. "Women were intimidated about coming forward -- they'd be called sluts or you know they hung out in bars or whatever. I think we're going to see the opposite direction when it comes to homosexual assaults. You've got typically a one-on-one situation and there would be tremendous political pressure placed on the victims to remain silent. It will be very similar to the situation we had with women 50 years ago when they were reluctant to come forward and report rape because they would be mislabeled." - Retired colonel Dick Black, speaking on behalf of the FRC.
I could have posted an even more inflammatory quote from Peter Sprigg about how gay soldiers are going to suck off sleeping drunk straight soldiers, but as funny a name as Peter Sprigg is, it can't hold a candle to DICK BLACK and his one-on-one situations since we've tightened up on rape. Do these people even listen to themselves? It's like Sigmund Freud riding a unicorn down a long tunnel, only the unicorn's horn is a penis. And the unicorn's legs are all penises. And the unicorn's body is a penis. And the tunnel itself is somehow a sort of meta-penis of the superego. And Freud is totally naked.
We now turn to Cliff Kincaid, and a press release from the overly dramatic "America's Survival":
"But the danger isn't just HIV/AIDS. A 60-page ASI report by researcher Dale O'Leary makes the points that other life-threatening infections could be in gay blood for which there is no scientific test yet available."
Some motherfucker managed to pad that out to sixty pages? What font did he use? I hope medical science is frantically working on a test for these dreaded and mysterious gay cooties. The rest of the press release talks about AIDS, and how even though the Army tests for AIDS vigorously, that devilish gay disease always finds a way to slip through the cracks and taint the blood. This is who Jim Webb has aligned himself with. I hope he's happy. Because it's time to close with Hitler.
"So Hitler himself was an active homosexual. And some people wonder, didn’t the Germans, didn’t the Nazis, persecute homosexuals? And it is true they did; they persecuted effeminate homosexuals. But Hitler recruited around him homosexuals to make up his Stormtroopers, they were his enforcers, they were his thugs. And Hitler discovered that he could not get straight soldiers to be savage and brutal and vicious enough to carry out his orders, but that homosexual solders basically had no limits and the savagery and brutality they were willing to inflict on whomever Hitler sent them after. So he surrounded himself, virtually all of the Stormtroopers, the Brownshirts, were male homosexuals." - The American Family Association's Bryan Fischer "Nuts".
So if the Nazi's were gay, and the Pope was a Nazi... it certainly would explain a lot. But since the odds of Bryan Fischer explaining anything a lot are roughly equal to the chances that I will bench-press an 18-wheeler, I think it's safe to say that Fischer has gone way off the deep end in his effort to paint homosexuals as limitless fountains of Nazi brutality.
The conclusion is clear. If you oppose the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, you think that gay soldiers want to savagely torture a sleeping George Washington with nocturnal blowjobs before infecting him with their incomprehensible gay Nazi blood diseases that science cannot even begin to detect. In a bunker. If that sounds crazy to you, then all you have to do is change your fucking vote. Problem solved.